Wednesday, November 12, 2014
Flirting not your thing…try this to get his attention!
I’ll admit I’m a hopeless romantic but I’ve never thought flirting was one of my core strengths. I have girlfriends that could attract the opposite sex like bees to honey. Just give them a minute and a good looking guy and they’re off and running. I laugh because I don’t even think it takes that long! I used to dread going out with them because I knew if I spotted a guy I liked they would take him first!
The art of flirting is such a lost art. I think it’s because most of us fear rejection. If we take the time to flirt with someone and they reject us, it hurts our pride and ego. We feel unwanted and unloved. Eventually we resolve to never do it again or at least not until the other person likes us first. It’s our way of preventing the pain of feeling rejected.
Most people think flirting is looking at a person until they succumb to your creepy stare. But that will drive the person away faster than anything. Other people think that flirting is about the flip of your hair and while this is flirty, it’s not the end all! There are other ways to get his attention without even trying.
Flirting can be so much fun even when it isn’t one of your strengths. I’ve listed some of my favorite old school ways to flirt that are less obvious and won’t cost you anything other than your time and patience with the process.
1. Clothes and accessories – Most people don’t realize that your clothes speak before you do! Your clothes say a lot about you when you enter the room. When you feel good, you dress the part. When you don’t feel good, you don’t dress the part hoping no one will notice you. Clothes are like our secret silent language making it a great way to flirt with that special someone without saying a word to them. I recommend soft colors that signal romance and fitted clothing that allows him to admire your curves. If clothes are the first thing he sees from you, why not make a great first impression!
2. Tone of voice – Voice is the most underrated way of flirting. Have you ever heard a woman who has either a high pitched child-like voice or a woman with a super sulky voice that screams of seduction? There is something about their voice that drives men wild. Unless you are a professional speaker, singer or other professional who uses their voice a lot, you are probably not giving your voice the tender loving care that it needs. But this is such a simple and cost-free way to flirt with the man of your dreams. It’s certainly worth it to train your voice to speak in a super sexy tone!
3. Friendliness – This is another underrated way to flirt. Think about all the guys who were friendly and open to you when you may have been a bit lost or shy. The friendlier they were to you, the more you thought about it and felt good after meeting them. This has a huge magnifying effect on men who envision their future wife being an open and friendly person not just to him but also to others around him as well. You will be someone they can’t wait to take home to momma!
4. Displaying your kindness and generosity – I meet so many men who seem to be magnetized by kind and generous women. Men think if a woman is kind and generous to them, she’ll also be kind and generous to their family as well. And this doesn’t mean she’s a doormat but that she has a kind heart and is kind and generous to everyone she meets which is incredibly sexy to men.
5. Being Miss Congeniality – I’m reminded of this flirty technique with my sweetheart who loves women who epitomize “Miss Congeniality”. He says there is nothing sexier and flirty than a woman who loves life. I agree with him. I love to be around people who are full of life. They attract all types of people. And don’t worry if you’re not the “Miss Congeniality” type. As long as you are loving and living life to the fullest extent, men will be at your feet in no time.
Hopefully, I’ve helped those of you who don’t claim to be super flirty but would like to still be able to attract men. Don’t get me wrong, eye contact is still probably the number one way to flirt but my purpose in writing this article is for those of you who may be a little shy with using such techniques as they are more obvious to the person to whom you are flirting. From your clothes, tone of voice, friendliness, kindness and generosity, to being “Miss Congeniality”, these are fun and much more natural ways to get his attention. And if you don’t get his attention, there’s probably a few others whose attention you did get from using such techniques.
Thanks for reading!
For more helpful dating tips, please check out my blog at www.liveloveaspire.blogspot.com or you may inquire about my dating/relationship coaching services at www.liveloveaspire.com.
Tuesday, November 4, 2014
Wondering how to maximize your chances of meeting the one….read this!
It seems as if meeting people these days has become virtually non-existent. People just don’t seem to want to make connections anymore, particularly singles. Whatever happened to meeting someone out and about at the local neighborhood café or at a get together hosted by one of your friends. It seems as if we leave school and forget how to speak to people! We become like kids at a high school dance with the boys on one side of the room and the girls on the other!
One thing I’ve observed is that singles tend to look in the wrong places for a quality mate. If you’re looking for a quality mate, bars, clubs, and happy hours may not be for you. It’s not to say you can’t meet someone there but it’s just that your chances are slim to none that he or she will end up being the one you take home to meet the parents. The truth is that many people that go to these places, particularly men, aren’t really looking for long term mates, rather to “hang out” and if they’re lucky, have a “one night stand” with an unsuspecting woman.
Now while we’re on the subject of questionable places to meet men, let’s talk about the most obvious including online dating, churches and the gym. Well, the truth is these places can be a hit or miss when it comes to finding someone. Of course, by now everyone knows someone who met on match.com or eharmony.com and yet they also know plenty of others who haven’t met anyone significant online and have yet to find that person. Churches and gyms are decent places to meet someone but you need to develop consistency because the singles that frequent these places tend to spot the ones that drop in on special occasion like Christmas or New Year’s and then you never see them again.
So you may wonder if I can’t meet him or her in a bar and my chances may be slim dating online then which places do you suggest would increase my chances of meeting the right person? Great question! There are actually plenty of great places to meet people. I’ve listed a few below but please keep in mind this list is not an all-inclusive list. Based on some of the ideas on this list, you may come up with some of your own to add as well. This list is just to get you started thinking in the right direction.
Top 5 Quality Places to Meet Men
1. Volunteer activities (e.g. usher, greeter, etc.) – This is a great way to meet men because they’re at your mercy to help them. No matter how you look (although you should still look polished and professional!) they need your help. If you maintain a warm and friendly presence while answering their questions or giving them instructions, they will remember that and hopefully chat with you later after your shift is over! You may not have been someone they would have normally spoken to but because you’ve helped them get where they’re going, you have earned a star in their eyes.
2. Sports/fitness events – Okay, this is obvious but it bears repeating. There is no single other best way to meeting men than through sports and fitness events. Men love games and anything that has any form of competition in it is sure to be a winner in their eyes. You certainly don’t have to be an athlete to get involved in these type of events, just someone who loves to watch a game periodically and/or stay healthy and fit.
3. Business networking/entrepreneurial events – Whenever there is money to be made, men are sure to be there. Any type of networking events can lead to future business deals and eventually money which attracts men to these types of events in the first place. This can also be business/entrepreneurial classes or seminars where there is a potential to make money or even more money.
4. Political events – Men love power. Plain and simple. Wherever there is a chance to gain more power and respect, men are sure to follow. There is no better way to earn more power and respect than politics. Whoever controls or can influence business and eventually the money flow usually is in a position of power. Politics offers such an opportunity and that is why men are drawn to politics (like bees to honey!).
5. Financial wealth building events – As I’ve noted before, whenever money is involved, you will find lots of men. Very rarely do I find lots of women at a financial type seminar unless of course it’s aimed primarily at women. Usually, these types of seminars attract men from every age and income bracket. Women tend to shy away from these types of events, but if you do decide to attend them, there is always the potential that the guy sitting next to you could be the next Donald Trump (without the hair of course!).
Top 5 Quality Places to Meet Women
1. Schools/Colleges/Education oriented events – Statistics show there are more women enrolling in colleges/universities than men which is good news for you guys who are looking to meet quality women. There are plenty of single, quality women enrolled in all sorts of classes from business to psychology. Now just in case you’re over your college years, keep in mind there are plenty of older women who have decided to go back to school to earn their master’s degree or quite simply to make a career transition. Any type of event related to education will draw masses of women to it because education has a nurturing quality to it conducive to women.
2. Single’s Events – Interestingly enough, more women than men attend these events. Men often shy away from these events because there is an underlying tone of meeting “the one”. But it’s really unfortunate because there are so many great, quality women who attend these events. If you’re a man reading this, this should definitely be one of your many options to finding a plethora of single women who fit your preferences.
3. Charities/Philanthropic/Missionary activities – There is a strong nurturing quality to helping the less fortunate that attracts women by the numbers. Sure, there are men who attend these events as well but there will always be more women than men. If you’re interested in doing charity/missionary work, then this will be a great place for you to meet that special women. And the good news is that if you do find a mate at one of these events, you’ll have found someone very giving and nurturing which can be the start of a great relationship.
4. Hospitals or Health and Wellness events – Absolutely! Think about that cute nurse that helped you when you were sick and thought you weren’t going to make it (even though she knew you were fine but just needed a little TLC!). Well, look no further than to places that care for the sick and wounded. Just think about it. These are usually women who have to exude caring and nurturing qualities 24/7 because their jobs depend on it. If hospitals scare you, then try attending health oriented events which draw lots of different types of people to them who are interested in health and wellness.
5. Church or Religious Events – I mentioned churches in my opening statements but it should be mentioned again because of its relative importance. Churches or religious activities are places where women feel free to be emotional and caring and allows them to express their true feminine qualities. This is the reason there are usually more women in attendance than men (of course this is relative to the particular denomination you choose!). Now, as I’ve said earlier, you can’t just go one time and score a date. You have to show that you at least go periodically in order to attract these type of women. It’s a plus if you also participate and volunteer in various church community events as well (which will help you to meet more women!). Overall, this is still a great place to meet a variety of women and one that a man who is interested in meeting single women shouldn’t miss!
In general, like attracts like. If you hang out at a bar hoping to meet the one, but only end up with drunks or people who don’t have your best interests at heart, then now you know why. But even if I’ve convinced you to check out any of the places I’ve mentioned above to meet people, you’ll still have to show some interest in those places. For example, if you don’t like politics, then please don’t go to political events looking for a man or you won’t feel very comfortable. Similarly, if you’re not into charities or philanthropy work, then don’t show up at a Red Cross event primarily hoping to meet your next wife or you may feel totally out of place and still not have met her. Listen, singles are everywhere but in order to find a great mate, you’ll need to target your efforts more closely to activities and places in which you’re interested and that are geared towards quality people. And once you start to focus your efforts, I can guarantee you’ll start seeing the results.
Thanks for reading!
Tuesday, October 7, 2014
If there’s one thing I love about my significant other is that he makes me smile even when I don’t feel like it. There are days when I look at him and the whole world stands still. But then there are days when I just want to bury my head in the sand from arguing with him. Have you been there? If you haven’t, you probably will at some point in your relationship. It certainly doesn’t have to be like that if you learn how to argue or challenge each other in a positive and nurturing way.
Well, I’ve been focused for quite some time on finding ways that couples can fight in an effective and non-threatening way and still get their needs met. Now this can be quite a contradiction. Especially, since men and women can be so different in the way they express themselves. The more I work with women, the more I realize how much they need to express themselves in a relationship whether good or bad. The need to get their thoughts and feelings off their chest are paramount. Men, on the other hand, don’t share this same need. As a matter of fact, they would rather avoid the whole thing altogether!
One thing that is constant between both sexes is the need to get our needs met. We both have a yearning to get something out of the relationship. However, the way we go about it isn’t always the best to generate the most effective results. For example, let’s say she wants more affection from him at home while he needs more appreciation from her for the things he already does at home. In other words, she’s starving for love and reassurance and he’s starving for recognition. Simply put, both are starving to get their needs met but can’t seem to get across to the other person in a positive and meaningful way.
So how do we come together and get on one accord? As I’ve done research in my own life, through the lives of other couples I’ve observed, and the enormous wealth of information from a number of relationship experts on this subject, I’ve come up with my own theory. Below, I’ve outlined a few steps for challenging each other in a positive way and ensuring your needs are heard and accepted.
1. Stick To The Issue At Hand – When we get mad at our mates, we tend to get into a pattern where we bring up old issues besides the one at hand. Then before we know it, we’re lost in conversation and attacking the person for issues that have already been settled or buried and have no relevance to the one you’re currently facing. By the end of the conversation, the current issue is still unresolved and our partner doesn’t even know what we wanted in the first place. Hint: Prioritize your issues!
2. Don’t Attack Your Partner – Golden Rule! The worst thing you can do in a relationship, particularly when you are in the middle of an argument is attack the character of your partner. In comparison to boxing, you’re “hitting below the belt”. When you attack your partner, you open up the door to having your character assaulted as well. Women become more emotional and men shut down completely. Meanwhile, the issue you want to address lies dormant while your partner’s feelings just got crushed. Hint: Attack the issue not the person!
3. Create A Win/Win – The best thing you can do is to create little “win/wins” for your partner while maintaining your need to get what you want. When thinking of your needs, consider their needs as well. For example, if you want him to take you out more, then also be willing compromise and cook dinner at home when he has had a long day at work. Using this same example, you could also make it worth his time and interest by offering to go to places he’ll enjoy as well so that he gets something out of it too. Think big picture. You want to be successful in the relationship and that entails the two of you being happy and fulfilled together. Hint: Consider their needs too!
4. Let Your Partner Know How Much It Means To You – Our mates are not mind readers! Sometimes they need a little nudge from us about our needs and what getting those needs met really means to us. This may sound crazy but think about how kids ask for what they want. They usually give us big doe-like eyes as they ask and it’s as if their whole world will be turned upside down if we don’t give it to them. Well, you don’t have to go overboard in a dramatic way but just letting your partner know how much something really means to you can do wonders for you in actually getting that need fulfilled. Hint: Let Them Know It Means A Lot!
5. Give Your Partner Some Space To Consider Your Needs – Once you’ve asked for what you need, give your mate a little space. Allow them the space to consider what you want and how they may go about giving it to you. If you ask for what you want and then demand they give it to you now, you’ll seem selfish and impatient. Not to mention, you’ll have turned them off and they may actually reject you altogether. Besides, they may be in the process of not only giving you what you need but doing it in a way that you never imagined.
(Hint: Be Patient!)
6. Don’t Let Others Dictate Your Relationship – Sometimes we get so wrapped up in our needs, we tend to invite others into the conversation that’s meant to be had with our partners. This includes having casual, nonchalant conversations with our family members, friends, co-workers, and others who really don’t have a clue what’s really going on inside of our relationships. All they can do is speculate based on what “we” have told them. They have to be on your side so your partner never has a chance to defend him or herself. That’s not very fair. When it comes to your needs, keep it between you and your partner. Besides, if you tell them how bad or unloving your mate is and then you go back to that person next week, they’ll be confused and may not believe you the next time something happens. Hint: Keep your love affairs private! Disclaimer: we’re not talking about abuse in which case telling your family and friends is always acceptable.
In short, relationships teach us a lot about ourselves. Our partners are like our own mirror images. They are there to help us grow and be a better person. It’s no coincidence that relationships are the most challenging area of our lives that we’ll ever encounter. It is in this space that our true growth and identity lies. Cultivating and nurturing relationships is where we get our needs met. Through positive reinforcements like win/wins, staying out of “attack mode”, being focused on the task at hand, letting them know how much a thing really means to us, giving our partners some space, and not allowing others to dictate our relationship is where we can find success. There’s no need for drama when we have our partner’s best interest at heart. When we consider our needs, the needs of our partners, and the success of the relationship, we’ll be just fine.
Thanks for reading!
Sunday, September 28, 2014
Alpha Kappa Alpha, Sorority, Inc., ILO Chapter hosted its 2nd annual Youth Summit in Columbia, MD and I was honored to be a part of such a great event. The workshop offered helpful tips and guidance to Junior high school students in the areas of Cyberbullying, Violence for girls and boys, and they also offered fun workshops like Hip Hop Dance moves. The kids really enjoyed the workshop and all had positive feedback. Great job sorors and frat!
What a great week! I had such a great time at the CBC this year! Thanks to members and staff of the CBC for allowing me to participate in the event this year. I met some really great people and learned a lot about what's going on in the community. I'll be back next year!
Sick of nagging him to go to church?....Read this!
If you’re like most women, you’ve given up completely on the idea of your spouse or significant other accompanying you to church. You’ve asked, prodded, and did everything you could to convince him to enter the building. It’s just not worth the fight anymore. Let’s face it ladies…getting a guy to go to church is like pulling teeth out of his mouth! I was having a simple conversation with a girlfriend of mine and I finally realized how clueless we were on this subject. So I decided to explore the subject a little closer.
Thousands of churches in America convene on Sunday morning to worship and connect to other parishioners. And of those that convene in churches, statistics show less than half of those parishioners tend to be men. No surprise, right? Just check out the predominately female singles ministry and sometimes even the marriage ministry which is usually led by women with husbands who look like they are forced to be in it against their will.
So why don’t men go to church? Great question! Again, I was just as puzzled as you are so I am going to give you my own personal theory. Men like challenge, risk and adventure. Church isn’t equipped to offer men those opportunities. It is a place focused on caring for people, nurturing people and being sensitive to people’s needs. It’s a great place for women who already possess those feminine qualities but not so much for men who are seeking to validate their own needs as masculine men. It’s no wonder they would rather retreat at home to prepare to watch a football game than to become emasculated in a church that doesn’t address their needs.
But there is hope! My personal theory is that men DO want to go to church! I believe they really admire women who embrace their religion and spirituality. Or else they would not date and/or marry them! Most men are spiritual and believe in God or a higher being. All they need is a woman who will lovingly convince him to go with her to church. It’s not that hard but it does require a LOT of patience.
I’ve outlined a few steps below that I think may be worth trying:
1. Start slow (baby steps!) – Men are like babies when it comes to going to church. They have to crawl before they walk. They embrace their spirituality quite differently than women. They’re more quiet and introverted when it comes to anything pertaining to their emotions. But churches encourage the outward expression of these emotions which can be quite challenging for them. They’re also trying to maintain their masculinity in a church environment that’s very female oriented. As women, most of us don’t like to see men cry even though we know they do but yet we’re encouraging them to go to a place that can be full of extreme emotions.
I suggest helping him in little ways to get to church. Offer to read a few passages from the Holy Bible or a spiritual doctrine with him that may help him with everyday problems. This is great because now he gets to experience the practical side of spirituality and religion and also embrace his emotions little by little before advancing to a church where he would have to connect to others on a deeper spiritual level. This also creates a safer environment for him to explore his spirituality and religion in the company of his own home without others watching him and allows him to express himself without fear of repercussion from others.
2. Be a great role model – Ladies, if you’re not setting a good example than there’s no point in leading him to church. He’s looking at you as an example of someone who has strong morals and values inherent in spirituality and religion. So if you’re cursing like a sailor and expecting him to follow your path to church, you will be sadly mistaken. He admires you for your spiritual qualities and looks toward you for guidance. Be that spiritual leader or woman who has high standards and principles that you claim to have in your life. He should see you setting the example by helping out in the community, being kind to people and showing him what he could become if he follows your path.
3. Invite him to interesting events at church – Try to find special events in church that are male oriented or events that are interesting and less pressure for him. In other words, find events that if he decides not become a member or even come back entirely, he would still be welcomed into that environment in the future. Also, find events that are fun and lighthearted that he would enjoy while also being able to connect with other men or good people in that church. He may not come to church at that moment but it will certainly be in the back of his mind in the future.
4. Have great timing – When he is ready to go to church, do not tell him how long it’s taken him to go or that you don’t believe he is telling the truth. Continue to go to church regularly and when he finally asks to go with you, be open to him accompanying you without judgment. He is already uncomfortable with this idea and the last thing he needs is someone who will judge him when he is trying to do the right thing in his life. Personally, I’ve seen men come to church when they feel like it’s their last hope. Now, this may not be the ideal situation but it may be the catalyst to him experiencing religion for the first time in his life. What may seem like a bad situation may turn out to be a wonderfully new experience necessary for him to grow. If you deter that growth with your judgment, he may never want to go again.
5. Exercise patience! – This isn’t an overnight process! It may take him years and years to finally go to church with you. For some men, it only takes a little convincing and for others it will take more work. Please don’t try to expedite the process. Men go to church when they are ready and not before that time! You cannot force him to go. He goes on his own timeframe. The only thing you can do is help and encourage him in this process.
So ladies, at the end of the day, you are going to need a LOT of patience and prayer. So many women give up right before he has had the chance to fully consider the invitation. They either get mad at him for not wanting to go or become resentful that he doesn’t want to share in this special experience. And yet, these are the times when there’s about to be a breakthrough. Again, take baby steps and appreciate him for the small steps he is taking to get there. Then remember timing is everything. Be ready for him no matter how long it takes. And you’ll see a difference. With a little prayer, patience and hope, he’ll be in church in no time.
Thanks for reading!
Sunday, September 21, 2014
Male clients vs Female clients….why men are preferred!
As a relationship coach and professional matchmaker, I believe the work I do brings enormous benefits to both men and women looking for love and long term relationships. Both men and women seek me out to try and find that special someone to complete their lives. And it is both an honor and a privilege for me to work with them in this process. But unfortunately, from the matchmaking side of my business, I’ve had to turn away hundreds of women who I know would not be ideal to work for to match them with their ideal mates.
I think most of us as matchmakers love the idea of helping people, particularly women who we know are desperately seeking help in finding love. Those are the people who you want to work for because the reward of knowing you helped them find someone is priceless. And I know at that moment I’ve chosen the right occupation. But then there are days when you have a client, most of the time it is a female, when you know she just isn’t a good fit for your business and you have to let her down at a time when she needs you the most.
So what are the real reasons why matchmakers don’t serve more female clients? I get asked this question all the time so I wanted to give some insight. Please see just a few of the reasons below in no specific order. I’m sure other professional matchmakers can add or delete reasons to this list but these are my reasons for limiting the amount of women I serve as clients.
1. Men are very traditional – From my experiences of working with men, they tend to be very traditional when it comes to dating. They still like to hunt and chase women. They still like to be the head of their household. I don’t have a problem with this concept since my business is founded on traditional forms of dating and courtship but when I added the matchmaking component to my business for both men and women, I knew my business model had to change. Since I work with men who still enjoy taking the lead in relationships, I knew I could only work with them as matchmaking clients but then continue to work with women as coaching clients. I do still take women but on a very limited basis.
2. Larger pool of women – Sorry, ladies…there are more of you than of the men we can find for you. I really do wish this wasn’t the case but it’s true. I get tons of applications from women wanting to be matched to the right guy to which I have to reject half of them for reasons I list here in this article. I can easily find great women for my male clients just about everywhere. Nevertheless, there are still some great guys out there for you but we as professional matchmakers have to be realistic about who we can match or we will be out of business!
3. Women tend to seek perfection – Because women tend to have such high standards, I usually have to coach them to be more flexible in their requirements in a mate. This is the reason I still take lots of women as coaching clients. We want this perfect mate who is virtually non-existent. Everyone has their faults and flaws because we’re only human. I believe our parents and society tells us to reach for the stars but then don’t give us a realistic view on how high we should go to find him! Once I can coach a woman to be more realistic in her choices then I may be able to work with matching her to the right mate.
4. Women (in general) can’t always afford matchmaker’s fees – I’ve found in my business that many women I encounter can’t always afford (or want) to pay the fees I charge for my services. They love the idea of having someone partner with them on finding a mate but hate the idea of having to pay for it. I don’t really blame them. Again, I’m very traditional so I believe men should be the ones who pay for the service. I always need women to match my male clients so I do accept women to list in my database as non-paying members to choose from for my male clients.
5. Men who pay a matchmaker (in general) want women of a certain caliber – I work with everyone from successful male doctors and lawyers to average Joe’s and they all seem to want the same type of things in a woman. They want her to be successful but not domineering, beautiful but not obnoxious, and caring but not overly nurturing (aka clingy!). A woman with great posture, elegance and sophistication applies here too! My clients may find some of these qualities with some women and other qualities with other women on their own. But when they’re paying a hefty fee for a matchmaker – they want the total package – no exceptions! These are qualities they can’t always find on their own either because they’re too busy or just simply hanging out in the wrong places.
In short, both men and women are looking to find love these days via online or offline dating services. We as professional matchmakers have dedicated our lives to making their dreams come true. And although I’ve limited the amount women I take on clients, I encourage all women to continuously work on themselves both internally and externally to attract the right mate. There’s always a relationship seminar or workshop hosted by a relationship expert or author going on locally in your area where you can learn lots of information on how to have a great relationship. Take advantage of every opportunity to update your looks, your demeanor and how you are perceived by men. And who knows, maybe then you can become your own successful matchmaker!
Thanks for reading!