Sunday, April 20, 2014

The Case of the Ex


Does the mother of his kids want him back?

So you finally met someone who could potentially be the one you’ve been waiting for your whole life?  He’s kind, hard-working and very family-oriented.  When you’re with him it feels like you’re in heaven.  Your family loves him and you absolutely adore his kids.  Life seems perfect between you two and the relationship is going in the right direction.  With the exception of one thing.  His kid’s mother has been driving you crazy and the thought crosses your mind….does she want him back?

Well, relationships can be wonderful in the beginning.  But all relationships go through changes and you never know when one partner may decide to end the relationship and leave the nest.  It’s even worse when kids are involved because not only are you dealing with the pain of the breakup but also the responsibility of raising a child.  Now add to the mix, the idea that your ex-lover has fallen in love with someone else and you can only imagine the hurt and pain involved in the heart of the one left behind who has to deal with those feelings, usually the ex-girlfriend or ex-wife.

Now let’s think about this for a minute.  The mother of his kids was once in your shoes.  Whether she was married or not, her greatest pride probably came from her family.  As women, we grow up with the image of having a husband, kids and a house with a white picket fence to home to at the end of the day.  She no longer has that picture.  Her picture is broken.  Her only image is one of seeing him pick up his kids on the weekends and driving away with half of her family.

Now if he never married her, this can be even worse.  They never completed the journey.  She never got a chance to show off her ring to her girlfriends or walk down the aisle in front of her family and friends.  Sure, she has his kids but you have a chance of being his wife and living the life she never lived.  That would drive anyone crazy!

So does she want him back?  Well, it really depends.  It depends on whether they did complete the journey into marriage.  If so, I would say there is a good likelihood that they are just good friends for the sake of the kids.  Usually, once you’ve been married and divorced to someone, you’re more likely to want to move on with life.  That journey is complete.

But if they never married, there is a real possibility that they may want to continue what they started to have a chance at creating a happy family for the kids.  Please don’t take this the wrong way.  It could very well be over between him and his ex but I have seen many instances of reconciliation between past lovers, even when they had proclaimed to have moved on with other people. 

My advice to you in this situation is to tread lightly.  It’s better to sit back and make observations, not accusations.  You don’t want to make false accusations when nothing is really going on between him and his ex, outside of the kids.  Your intuition is key here.  You’ll know in your heart if something is really going on.  You’ll just need the facts to back it up.  If there is something going on between him and his ex, then you’ll need to address it with him immediately as that affects your relationship with him too.

In short, I think we’ve all had to deal with an ex from our significant other’s past relationship, either directly or indirectly.  And there is always a chance for an old flame to be rekindled as we are only human.  You know, an old song plays on the radio, an old family album is found or a letter from a past lover reminds you of the way things used to be.  It’s impossible for us not to feel anything in these situations because our hearts go where it wants to. 

However, as the new woman in his life, you represent hope and new possibilities.  You represent a fresh start to life.  Maybe when he was with her, he wasn’t ready to be a father or a husband.  You represent someone who he can start over with and redeem himself.  While there may be a possibility of him going back to her, there’s an even greater possibility of happiness moving on with you.  And if you play your cards right, then he’ll never have to look back again!

Good Luck!

For more helpful dating tips, please check out my website at www.liveloveaspire.blogspot.com or you may inquire about my dating/relationship coaching services at www.liveloveaspire.com.

It’s Here!  My New Book:  Live Love Aspire:  Learn How To Live Your Best Life And Find The Love Of Your Dreams

Sunday, April 13, 2014

Stuck In A Relationship Rut?....5 Reasons To Let Go!


Are You In A Dead-End Relationship…Read This!

You no longer eat dinner together.  Outings with other couples are now more stressful than ever trying to keep up with the fa├žade of being a happy couple.  Your significant other doesn’t call anymore to see how you’re doing during the day nor wonder where you are at night.  Your family knows something’s wrong during the holidays whenever you show up at family events and functions alone.  You’re really tired of lying to people and more importantly, to yourself.  You know you need to end it but just don’t have the strength to do it. 

Most of us have been in at least one dead-end relationship in our lives.  If we can be honest with ourselves, we stayed in it either for the sake of the kids, for the convenience of someone to help us pay the bills or to keep up with the pressure of society to say that we belong to someone.  The relationship may have started off great but somewhere along the way we went in different directions.  Our intentions were good for the relationship but life has taken us along different paths.

If this sounds like you, please consider the following reasons why it may finally be time to let go of that relationship. 

Below are my top 5 reasons to let go.

1.       Your heart isn’t in it anymore – Your feelings have changed towards him or her.  You still care very deeply for the person but are not in love with the person anymore.  You know that whatever has happened in that relationship was for the best and it made you a stronger person.  You’ve tried over and over to make it work with no luck.  Maybe you’ve even met someone else who you feel is more compatible to you and are struggling to tell your partner that it is over.  Either way, you know your heart isn’t in it and you’ll need to let go.

2.       Lack of trust – There’s no level of trust between you and your partner.  You check their phone every time it rings to see who has called or texted them.  You’ve smelled their clothes, checked for lipstick and probably even their bank accounts to see if they’re being faithful to you.  But is this really how you want to live?  If you have no trust for the person and feel the need to spy on them every second, this will drive you crazy….which leads us to the next point!

3.       Your health is starting to deteriorate – This is by far the most revealing when you are in a dead-end relationship.  You begin to lose your good health.  Health symptoms you’ve never had before suddenly come up.  You may become more neurotic or start to have high anxiety over little things.  You just don’t feel safe in that relationship anymore.  I’ve even seen some people go through extremes including losing excessive weight or gaining excessive weight to hide the emotional baggage of the relationship.  But is your health really worth it?  Is a relationship worth ruining your health when you have so much life in which to live?  This is an especially critical question when you have kids who deserve for you to live.

4.       It’s a waste of time – Over the years in my experience as a dating coach, I’ve seen my clients waste countless amounts of time over someone who either weren’t very interested in them or who could hardly care less about them.  Most of them had this idealized view that if somehow they could make it work with the person, everything would be okay.  It never worked out that way.  Instead, the person they wanted had already moved on with their lives, while they were left with wasted years of time spending it wanting them…..which leads me to my last point.

5.       Someone better is out there for you – The time that you spend not letting go of someone not right for you could be better spent on someone who IS right for you.  There could be other people out there who would be much better suited for you but they can’t come into your life while you’re still in that dead-end relationship.  While you’re being weighed down by all the bags in this relationship, someone else that’s better for you could be walking right past you.  Please don’t miss out on your next opportunity.  Several years from now could be too late.

Learning how to let go of someone who means a lot to you is one of the hardest things you’ll ever have to do in life.  There’s no shortcuts or ways around it.  It takes a lot out of you mentally, physically and emotionally.  But sometimes we have to do what’s best for our lives.  We go through life to learn and grow from our experiences.  I like to think that each relationship and experience I’ve been in is a stepping stone to another.  And maybe this relationship was necessary to get you prepared for a better one.  It’s certainly not that easy to let go but certainly necessary to move us further along in our paths.

Good Luck!

For more helpful dating tips, please check out my website at www.liveloveaspire.blogspot.com or you may inquire about my dating/relationship coaching services at www.liveloveaspire.com.

It’s Here!  My New Book:  Live Love Aspire:  Learn How To Live Your Best Life And Find The Love Of Your Dreams