Is Sex Without Boundaries Ruining The
African American Community?
I remember hearing
my great aunt talking to my cousin who at the time had 2 kids under the age of
18, with her first baby being born at 15 years old.My aunt in her wisdom tried not to chastise
her because she didn’t want her to be embarrassed but wanted her to learn a
lesson from having this child at such a young age.My cousin at the time had dropped out of high
school to have the baby but reassured us that she would go back to school to
get her GED, get a job and marry the father of her child.My aunt simply looked at her, attempted to
smile but the look on her face revealed how much she had faith in my cousin’s
convictions.And interestingly enough,
not more than several months later, my cousin shows up pregnant again, with her
first born baby in a stroller, no “baby daddy” by her side, and a broken heart.
Now, as a young African
American girl growing up in Baltimore, I have seen it all.I have become totally immune to what other
communities consider shocking.I’ve seen
young girls as young as 10 years old have children of their own.Entire families become addicted to crack
cocaine.Mothers going out of the house to
work “the streets” to sell their bodies.Fathers either leave the home altogether or simply die at the hands of a
dope dealer.And children being left to
their own vices to find love they couldn’t find at home.
suffer the most from sexual promiscuity.They can be brought into the world by what I consider to be young,
careless parents who spend one night of passion just to escape their own harsh
realities only to discover a lifetime of paying for those mistakes they’ve made
with a child they cannot afford to nurture or care for in a “hell” which the
parents helped to create.No one wins
this game.The child grows up confused
about what it means to have a family in a world which counts them out before
the age of 21.
As an African
American dating coach, I see the struggles in my clients all the time.Many of whom were by-products of single
parents and who are now single parents themselves.I see them trying to grow into better
people.I can intuitively feel them
reaching out to me to help them heal spiritually.They are trying to rewrite their wrongdoings
and make a better way for their kids.But their sexually promiscuous ways just keep coming back to haunt them.
Let’s go back to
how this all may have got started.Some
would say that it started from the time of slavery.The notion is that the promiscuity is a
result of black male slaves having to impregnate black female slaves to produce
more young black slaves to work the plantations.I’m not sure I buy into this theory since the
statistics for marriage in the African American community in the 1950’s and
1960’s were generally pretty normal for that time period.If blacks are sexually promiscuous due to
slavery, then those statistics would invalidate that theory altogether.
theory that the music and the culture contributes to this sexual promiscuity.This may be true to some extinct.Just think about how often you listen to
music or watch television on a daily basis.We watch “Love and Hip Hop” or “The Real Housewives of Atlanta” to see
who will be the target of the next scandalous love affair.Of course, nowadays we don’t have to watch
television at all but log onto the Internet to read about the next celebrity
having a baby out of wedlock or hear about the next cheating spouse to help validate
our own personal experiences.Although I
don’t think we can blame our own sexual promiscuity on our culture, you would
be “hard pressed” to say the culture doesn’t influence it.
So what’s the real
reason our community has become so sexually promiscuous?Well, for starters, I believe it is because
we have accepted this behavior as the norm and have become paralyzed with
helplessness.For example, as women, we
have relaxed our standards for courtship so we can “hang on to a man”.If you’re a young single women, you may have needed
to feel loved at some point in your life which may have fueled an interest in a
guy who would otherwise never “get the panties”.If you’re a young single man who can get convenient
sex with all the benefits attached and no responsibility, then this is heaven
for you.I’ve even seen mothers who are
so desperate for their daughters to have a “little chubby cheeks”, they don’t
care whether the father will be there or not, psychopath and all.And married men and women don’t get a pass on
sexual promiscuity when they allow their partners to bring others into their relationship
(knowingly or not) and turn the other cheek subjecting them to all sorts of
STD’s and unwanted “lovechildren”.
Sex can be such a
wonderful experience between two mature people who love each other and
understand the consequences of what can happen through this experience.People underestimate how important it is in
the confines of a marriage or long term relationship.You have to trust your partner with your
body.You trust your partner with your
life.You sleep with everyone they have
slept with, every thought they have been thinking, every emotion they have been
feeling and every spirit that has tried to attack them.People ask me all the time when it is
appropriate to have sex with my partner (90 days, 1 year, etc.).But actually, if you have to ask, then you’re
In short, we can do
better.We have a deep, rich ancestry
with trailblazers who would be turning over in their graves to know what our
culture has become as a result of their tireless efforts so future generations
can live and dwell freely.We can begin
to break the chains of sexually promiscuous behavior patterns by going back to
our values and morals.We can place
boundaries around our sexuality only giving it to those who are deeply
committed to us and who only have our best interests at heart.We can stop treating sex as a passing fad but
yet a beautiful experience only to be shared with the person we truly
love.We can teach our kids to value
themselves and value the temple that God has entrusted with them.Let’s not destroy our children’s future and
the gifts our ancestors have bestowed upon us.Let’s step up and become role models.They deserve more from us.They
I will be co-hosting a Valentine’s Day event on Friday
February 14that the Grand
Historic Venue in downtown Baltimore. See event details below.All are welcome including
singles and couples.I will be there
hosting the “Battle of the Sexes” dating game “Valentine’s style” and
doing a few matches there (subject to the
amount of single men and women who volunteer!). So if you’re looking for
something to do or want to hang out with good folks and have a good time,
please do join us!
Grandma’s rules for dating in
a modern world for both men and women
When I was a little
girl growing up, I would hear my elders talk about the proper etiquette for a
young lady or what I like to call the “do’s” and “don’ts” of dating.Men had rules to follow too and were
certainly not excluded but they usually followed suit with what was expected
for women.It all seemed so simple back
in those days as compared to modern times when you have to guess who will pay
for the date or if you will get a “call back” after the date has ended.Maybe it’s time to revisit those days.Well at least revisit the rules that were set
in place to ensure a successful courtship and see if we can update them to suit
our modern day needs.
First, I’ll start
with the ladies.As young ladies, we
need to value our worth.You see, the
more confident you feel about yourself on the inside, the more it will show on
the outside.You have to believe you are
worthy of a guy who treats you like a queen.If a guy is not treating you like the queen you are, he is not worthy to
be with you.There’s plenty of fish in
the sea.You have to know how much you
bring to a potential relationship and that any man deserving of you should know
this and respond to you accordingly.
Fellas, don’t think
I forgot about you.It is critical for
you to maintain a certain level of confidence.As a matter of fact, I recommend not leaving home without it.Women look forward to meeting men who are
confident and can take charge on a date.It’s such a turnoff for a man to be indecisive and “wishy-washy” on a
date.Generally, women want men who have
a clear direction and purpose for their lives and that women can look up to and
admire for their endeavors.
Now, while dating
has certainly changed since I was a little girl, some things never change.I still believe women enjoy it when a man
approaches them rather than vice versa.We still enjoy receiving phone calls from men as opposed to texts as
well as men asking us out on dates.I’ve
listed a few of my favorite do’s and don’ts below that can still be applied to
our modern day dating world.
1.Men – please do plan dates in advance.Sure, it’s fun in the beginning and creates a certain level of spontaneity
for us.But sooner or later, it gets old
when we may have already made plans and you expect us to drop those plans
because you called at the last minute to go on a date.
2.Women – please be ready for the date on
time.Yes, I know that you are only trying to look your
best but it’s really not cool to keep the guy waiting, particularly if he has
made reservations.Try to time yourself
on how long it takes you to put on your clothes and apply your make-up so
you’ll be ready on time.
3.Men – please do be chivalrous.Open
the car door for us or pull the chair out for us to sit.If we seem a bit parched, offer us another
drink.Surprise us with flowers on the
first date.We notice these things.The more chivalrous you are on a date, the
better your chances of having a second one.
4.Women – please do be flirty.Throw your hair back.Cross your
legs a little higher than normal.Let
him know you really like him by subtle body languages.It will make him feel special and
appreciated.Not to mention, it will
turn up the heat!
5.Men – please do pay for the date.Women love it when a man pays for the date.Yes, I’m sure you’re thinking it will
certainly be nice if a woman paid for the date once and awhile but on the first
date, just stick with the traditional thing.Ask yourself the question, would you rather have it your way and not get
a second date with a beautiful woman or would you like to impress her
increasing your chances of getting that second date?
6.Women - please do feel free to give thanks
and appreciation.It doesn’t cost you anything to say thanks to
your date, even if the date didn’t turn out so well.If he at least paid for the date, despite
anything else that happened on the date, he certainly deserves a thank
you.Men really do like women who can
give them appreciation and they tend to respond in kind.
1.Men – please don’t invite her to “hang out” with
you rather than go out on a real date.Show her some respect by taking
her out to a nice restaurant, movie, etc.She probably does not want to come over your house for drinks like one
of your buddies but rather be treated like someone special by being taken out
on a real date.
2.Women – please don’t try to bring your lonely
girlfriends out with you on the date.I get the fact your girlfriend
just broke up with her man and you feel guilty that you are going out at such a
critical time but it’s not fair to your date.He asked you out on a date and not your girlfriend.Besides, you can call her when you get back
home.If she’s a real friend, she will
understand your decision.
3.Men – please don’t talk about yourself all
night long on the date.I know that you want to impress your date by
telling her all about what you do for a living but give her a little light to
shine too.Allow her time to share
something about herself as well.Remember, she’s judging you on how much you are listening to her which
goes a long way in a budding relationship.
4.Women – please don’t talk about your
ex-boyfriends or ex-husbands on a date.If there was one rule I think
you should adhere to, it would be this one.Even if your last relationship caused you to have chest pains, please do
not share this on the date.When you go
on a date, you are trying to put your best foot forward.Telling your date about how your son or
daughter’s father was no good will turn him away faster than you can
count.Remember to keep the focus on the
two of you.
5.Men – please don’t disappear between dates.Fellas, when the girl you are dating does not hear from you for a week
or two, it makes her think you’re not interested in her.In many cases, she will move on.If you have to take a “leave of absence”, the
least you can do is let her know beforehand or just give her a quick 5 minute
call to let her know you’re okay.
6.Women – please don’t try to extend the date
past the time that it should end.Picture this:He looks into your eyes as you into his and
you don’t want to look away.You hold
hands and watch the stars in the sky.The night is perfect and you don’t want it to end.This is where many women miss the signals to
end the date.I recommend the golden
rule of no more than 4-5 hours on a date, particularly the first few
dates.The reason is because you want to
have something more to look forward to in the future.Try to savor the moment.If you play your cards right and leave him
wanting more, you’ll have many more dates like this one.Patience is key.
So there you have
it!My take on grandma’s rules remixed for modern day men and
women.Sure, we certainly can’t turn
back the hands of time but we can at least utilize some of her best kept secrets
for dating.And who knows maybe a few
marriages and long term relationships can be made as a result.
Are you in love with someone
who doesn’t know you exist?
We’ve probably all
had a secret crush on someone.It’s
relatively harmless when you think about it.You can admire someone from a distance.Maybe they help you to look your best or help to aspire you to your best
self when you’re around them.There’s
virtually nothing wrong with that notion.However, when we start creating a relationship with the person in our
mind without the other person’s consent, that’s when it becomes a problem.
The best example of
a secret crush I can give you could be the love you feel for your personal
trainer or doctor but it could also be anyone else who is in a position to be really
helpful towards you or that you admire a lot.You can talk to him about anything and he will listen to you free of any
type of judgment.You begin to look
forward to seeing him on a regular basis.He shows you warmth and tender loving care every time you meet.He even flirts with you periodically.You think that you’re in love.No one has ever showed you as much attention
However, if you
look closer into how he treats his other clients you would see that you may not
be so special!It’s just part of his
business.He is in a business where charm
and charisma are necessary to get clients!He treats you the way he feels you need to be treated so he can keep you
happy and content with his services.Otherwise, you would look for someone else!
You may be
wondering what would happen if he reciprocated those same feelings you have for
him?Well, if he is really interested in
you, he will let you know by asking you out on a date.You need to be clear of his intentions for
you.And don’t be fooled by him asking you
for your phone number because he may just want to keep in touch with you for
any cancellations, re-scheduled appointments or other reasons outside of any
interest for you.The best way you’ll
know he’s interested is if he asks you out on a date.There really are no substitutes.
So what if you told
him how you feel?Well, the truth of the
matter is that you can tell him how you feel but be prepared for the
consequences.If he really isn’t
interested in you, you will feel totally awkward.What’s more is that you will have disrupted a
great working relationship.Once your
feelings are released, your relationship with him will have to change whether
it be that he is more careful with how he treats you going forward or that you
become colder or bitter towards him in the process.Either way, it’s a big risk so know what you
are in for before you decide to take this approach.
But just to make
you feel better, I will say that sometimes it’s just a matter of timing.If, by chance, he does indeed have a crush on
you as well, it may not be the right time.He may want to honor the professional relationship he has towards you by
not taking it further until the work is done.Or he may simply be involved with someone else and not want to break
your heart.You certainly don’t want to
have someone else’s leftovers when you can have your own meal!
The best case
scenario is that you wait for him to make the first move.You are certainly allowed to day dream about
him as long as you don’t act out on it.You
can even casually flirt with him as long as you keep it strictly harmless.Try not to dress like a slouch when you’re
around him so he does notice you improving your chances of him making a move. But do continue to date other people so you have
a life outside of him.This way if or when
he does come around, you won’t have wasted your time waiting for him.And if he does not, well, then you’ll have
your answer but you will have moved on anyway!