Alpha Kappa Alpha, Sorority, Inc., ILO Chapter hosted its 2nd annual Youth Summit in Columbia, MD and I was honored to be a part of such a great event. The workshop offered helpful tips and guidance to Junior high school students in the areas of Cyberbullying, Violence for girls and boys, and they also offered fun workshops like Hip Hop Dance moves. The kids really enjoyed the workshop and all had positive feedback. Great job sorors and frat!
Sunday, September 28, 2014
What a great week! I had such a great time at the CBC this year! Thanks to members and staff of the CBC for allowing me to participate in the event this year. I met some really great people and learned a lot about what's going on in the community. I'll be back next year!
Sick of nagging him to go to church?....Read this!
If you’re like most women, you’ve given up completely on the idea of your spouse or significant other accompanying you to church. You’ve asked, prodded, and did everything you could to convince him to enter the building. It’s just not worth the fight anymore. Let’s face it ladies…getting a guy to go to church is like pulling teeth out of his mouth! I was having a simple conversation with a girlfriend of mine and I finally realized how clueless we were on this subject. So I decided to explore the subject a little closer.
Thousands of churches in America convene on Sunday morning to worship and connect to other parishioners. And of those that convene in churches, statistics show less than half of those parishioners tend to be men. No surprise, right? Just check out the predominately female singles ministry and sometimes even the marriage ministry which is usually led by women with husbands who look like they are forced to be in it against their will.
So why don’t men go to church? Great question! Again, I was just as puzzled as you are so I am going to give you my own personal theory. Men like challenge, risk and adventure. Church isn’t equipped to offer men those opportunities. It is a place focused on caring for people, nurturing people and being sensitive to people’s needs. It’s a great place for women who already possess those feminine qualities but not so much for men who are seeking to validate their own needs as masculine men. It’s no wonder they would rather retreat at home to prepare to watch a football game than to become emasculated in a church that doesn’t address their needs.
But there is hope! My personal theory is that men DO want to go to church! I believe they really admire women who embrace their religion and spirituality. Or else they would not date and/or marry them! Most men are spiritual and believe in God or a higher being. All they need is a woman who will lovingly convince him to go with her to church. It’s not that hard but it does require a LOT of patience.
I’ve outlined a few steps below that I think may be worth trying:
1. Start slow (baby steps!) – Men are like babies when it comes to going to church. They have to crawl before they walk. They embrace their spirituality quite differently than women. They’re more quiet and introverted when it comes to anything pertaining to their emotions. But churches encourage the outward expression of these emotions which can be quite challenging for them. They’re also trying to maintain their masculinity in a church environment that’s very female oriented. As women, most of us don’t like to see men cry even though we know they do but yet we’re encouraging them to go to a place that can be full of extreme emotions.
I suggest helping him in little ways to get to church. Offer to read a few passages from the Holy Bible or a spiritual doctrine with him that may help him with everyday problems. This is great because now he gets to experience the practical side of spirituality and religion and also embrace his emotions little by little before advancing to a church where he would have to connect to others on a deeper spiritual level. This also creates a safer environment for him to explore his spirituality and religion in the company of his own home without others watching him and allows him to express himself without fear of repercussion from others.
2. Be a great role model – Ladies, if you’re not setting a good example than there’s no point in leading him to church. He’s looking at you as an example of someone who has strong morals and values inherent in spirituality and religion. So if you’re cursing like a sailor and expecting him to follow your path to church, you will be sadly mistaken. He admires you for your spiritual qualities and looks toward you for guidance. Be that spiritual leader or woman who has high standards and principles that you claim to have in your life. He should see you setting the example by helping out in the community, being kind to people and showing him what he could become if he follows your path.
3. Invite him to interesting events at church – Try to find special events in church that are male oriented or events that are interesting and less pressure for him. In other words, find events that if he decides not become a member or even come back entirely, he would still be welcomed into that environment in the future. Also, find events that are fun and lighthearted that he would enjoy while also being able to connect with other men or good people in that church. He may not come to church at that moment but it will certainly be in the back of his mind in the future.
4. Have great timing – When he is ready to go to church, do not tell him how long it’s taken him to go or that you don’t believe he is telling the truth. Continue to go to church regularly and when he finally asks to go with you, be open to him accompanying you without judgment. He is already uncomfortable with this idea and the last thing he needs is someone who will judge him when he is trying to do the right thing in his life. Personally, I’ve seen men come to church when they feel like it’s their last hope. Now, this may not be the ideal situation but it may be the catalyst to him experiencing religion for the first time in his life. What may seem like a bad situation may turn out to be a wonderfully new experience necessary for him to grow. If you deter that growth with your judgment, he may never want to go again.
5. Exercise patience! – This isn’t an overnight process! It may take him years and years to finally go to church with you. For some men, it only takes a little convincing and for others it will take more work. Please don’t try to expedite the process. Men go to church when they are ready and not before that time! You cannot force him to go. He goes on his own timeframe. The only thing you can do is help and encourage him in this process.
So ladies, at the end of the day, you are going to need a LOT of patience and prayer. So many women give up right before he has had the chance to fully consider the invitation. They either get mad at him for not wanting to go or become resentful that he doesn’t want to share in this special experience. And yet, these are the times when there’s about to be a breakthrough. Again, take baby steps and appreciate him for the small steps he is taking to get there. Then remember timing is everything. Be ready for him no matter how long it takes. And you’ll see a difference. With a little prayer, patience and hope, he’ll be in church in no time.
Thanks for reading!
Sunday, September 21, 2014
Male clients vs Female clients….why men are preferred!
As a relationship coach and professional matchmaker, I believe the work I do brings enormous benefits to both men and women looking for love and long term relationships. Both men and women seek me out to try and find that special someone to complete their lives. And it is both an honor and a privilege for me to work with them in this process. But unfortunately, from the matchmaking side of my business, I’ve had to turn away hundreds of women who I know would not be ideal to work for to match them with their ideal mates.
I think most of us as matchmakers love the idea of helping people, particularly women who we know are desperately seeking help in finding love. Those are the people who you want to work for because the reward of knowing you helped them find someone is priceless. And I know at that moment I’ve chosen the right occupation. But then there are days when you have a client, most of the time it is a female, when you know she just isn’t a good fit for your business and you have to let her down at a time when she needs you the most.
So what are the real reasons why matchmakers don’t serve more female clients? I get asked this question all the time so I wanted to give some insight. Please see just a few of the reasons below in no specific order. I’m sure other professional matchmakers can add or delete reasons to this list but these are my reasons for limiting the amount of women I serve as clients.
1. Men are very traditional – From my experiences of working with men, they tend to be very traditional when it comes to dating. They still like to hunt and chase women. They still like to be the head of their household. I don’t have a problem with this concept since my business is founded on traditional forms of dating and courtship but when I added the matchmaking component to my business for both men and women, I knew my business model had to change. Since I work with men who still enjoy taking the lead in relationships, I knew I could only work with them as matchmaking clients but then continue to work with women as coaching clients. I do still take women but on a very limited basis.
2. Larger pool of women – Sorry, ladies…there are more of you than of the men we can find for you. I really do wish this wasn’t the case but it’s true. I get tons of applications from women wanting to be matched to the right guy to which I have to reject half of them for reasons I list here in this article. I can easily find great women for my male clients just about everywhere. Nevertheless, there are still some great guys out there for you but we as professional matchmakers have to be realistic about who we can match or we will be out of business!
3. Women tend to seek perfection – Because women tend to have such high standards, I usually have to coach them to be more flexible in their requirements in a mate. This is the reason I still take lots of women as coaching clients. We want this perfect mate who is virtually non-existent. Everyone has their faults and flaws because we’re only human. I believe our parents and society tells us to reach for the stars but then don’t give us a realistic view on how high we should go to find him! Once I can coach a woman to be more realistic in her choices then I may be able to work with matching her to the right mate.
4. Women (in general) can’t always afford matchmaker’s fees – I’ve found in my business that many women I encounter can’t always afford (or want) to pay the fees I charge for my services. They love the idea of having someone partner with them on finding a mate but hate the idea of having to pay for it. I don’t really blame them. Again, I’m very traditional so I believe men should be the ones who pay for the service. I always need women to match my male clients so I do accept women to list in my database as non-paying members to choose from for my male clients.
5. Men who pay a matchmaker (in general) want women of a certain caliber – I work with everyone from successful male doctors and lawyers to average Joe’s and they all seem to want the same type of things in a woman. They want her to be successful but not domineering, beautiful but not obnoxious, and caring but not overly nurturing (aka clingy!). A woman with great posture, elegance and sophistication applies here too! My clients may find some of these qualities with some women and other qualities with other women on their own. But when they’re paying a hefty fee for a matchmaker – they want the total package – no exceptions! These are qualities they can’t always find on their own either because they’re too busy or just simply hanging out in the wrong places.
In short, both men and women are looking to find love these days via online or offline dating services. We as professional matchmakers have dedicated our lives to making their dreams come true. And although I’ve limited the amount women I take on clients, I encourage all women to continuously work on themselves both internally and externally to attract the right mate. There’s always a relationship seminar or workshop hosted by a relationship expert or author going on locally in your area where you can learn lots of information on how to have a great relationship. Take advantage of every opportunity to update your looks, your demeanor and how you are perceived by men. And who knows, maybe then you can become your own successful matchmaker!
Thanks for reading!
Sunday, September 14, 2014
Thanks to all of my friends, family, and sponsors for your support of our event. We could not have done it without you! The event was a huge success thanks to all of you! We were able to raise funds for the Kidney Disease Foundation. We had lots of positive feedback and are already planning to do it again next year!