Sunday, August 18, 2013

How To Avoid Being The Other Woman

Avoid Being the Other Woman In Dating

You Get the Call And It’s Her...
Most women don’t start out wanting to be the ”Other Woman” in a dating relationship yet start out looking for a great relationship with a good man.  Meanwhile, a man who is still ”supposedly” exclusive in one relationship may not share this fact with the women is dating outside of his current relationship.  And when you’re a single woman, there’s no way to tell whether a guy is exclusive in a relationship so the likelihood that a seemingly, innocent woman could be the ”other woman” is fairly high on the scale.  This scenario also works in reverse when the woman who has been in an exclusive relationship with her man for a period of time becomes the ”other woman” as a result of a new woman who enters his life and becomes his priority.

In general, men pursue relationships with the ”other woman” when they become bored of their current relationship or feel it is no longer fulfilling their needs.  Rather than risk hurting the woman in their current relationship, they may decide to pursue other options until they feel the time is right to end their current one.  Meanwhile, the woman in their existing relationship may have become far too relaxed and therefore, are completely blindsided by his actions since she saw the relationship as going well.  .

When you’re not married, you’re free to date as you wish.  There are no rings to prove you belong to someone else or laws to protect the relationship from outsiders.  However, I want to give you a few ”tried and true” ways to effectively determine your relationship status, help you to sustain your relationship status if it is good or avoid any instances of being the other woman (if possible!).

Tips To Avoid Being The Other Woman

1.    Accept More Dates On Weekends (Preferrably Saturday Nights!) – This is one of those old fashioned rules that still applies in dating.  I must admit I learned this in the book ”The Rules” by Ellen Fein and Sherrie Schneider and was blown away immediately by how much this works in dating.  Having compared the Saturday night date to an ordinary week night date, I will say that this rule still holds it’s weight in gold.  From my own personal experiences, men tend to be much more serious about a woman he takes out on the weekends as they could be enjoying other activities or spending time with family and friends rather than going out on a date with you.  You are considered someone special or at the very minimum someone with a lot of potential if he decides to take you out on Saturday.  Interestingly enough, I have had guys validate this little rule saying that they take their time getting prepared for dates with women they take out on Saturdays as opposed to other nights which indicates their relative importance.
2.    Avoid Just ”Hanging Out” With Him – This is the opposite of tip #1 but still important to mention as its own separate step.  When a man only sees you as a ”sex buddy” or no longer sees you as being significant in his life, he may just ask you to ”hang out”.  If you’re not conscious of the American modern day dating slang, this means either going out with him and his buddies (not on a real date) or come over to his house to have sex.  Men don’t invite their significant others to just ”hang out” when they are serious about their mates.  Sure, there are times when ”hanging out” at home watching a movie are fun things to do but when it becomes a regular activity in your relationship, it is time to question whether the relationship is going in the right direction for you.
3.    Be Aware Of Consistent or Inconsistent Phone Calls – This is another little old fashioned tip that is worth mentioning.  Men call women to let them know how much they care and are thinking about them, even when they’re not on dates with them.  They also know how much phone calls mean to their significant other and will call them accordingly.  If a guy starts a relationship calling you every day but then slacks off suddenly, there’s no reason to go into panic mode but should just give you a little nudge to evaluate the status of your relationship.      
4.    Notice His Attention Towards You On Holidays And Birthdays – Yes, ladies, that sick little feeling you get when your man does not acknowledge your birthday or give you a gift on a holiday such as Valentine’s Day or Christmas may just be your intuition giving you a wake up call.  I’ve observed men tell their supposedly ”significant other”  how much this old fashioned rule doesn’t make sense in these harsh economic times but then subsequently go buy their ”main squeeze” a gift in celebration of them.
5.    Acknowledge His Invitations To Family Gatherings – If there was one rule I think will give you proof that you are his significant other, it is this one.  Men don’t bring women around significant family members and friends unless they hold a special place in their lives.  They know that once they have invited you to such gatherings, you become a part of his inner circle and will be invited back to other events.  They don’t want to risk this if they aren’t sure if you will be sticking around that much longer.
6.    Create More Excitement – If I could name one relationship killer, I would say it is boredom.  Men love the chase which is why they’re so excited about you in the beginning of the relationship.  Once the chase is over, they’re left up to their own devices to find something else to do.  When a woman can keep the relationship exciting, she becomes more valuable and interesting to him.  You’ve given him something to do and a challenge or problem he feels needs attention.  If you’re able to keep him on his toes, he’ll love you for it.

The reason I believe the above tips work is because they highlight and create effort on the part of the man.  You’ll be making him work hard to get you (or keep you).  Men value what they work hard to get.  If he doesn’t feel you are worth the effort, he’ll let go of the relationship immediately or provide you with the information you need to make an informed decision. Either way, they help you to avoid unnecessary drama and save you from an episode on ”Jerry Springer”. 

I don’t believe most women set out to be the other woman but get trapped in scenarios after a guy has been dishonest with her about his situation causing hurt feelings and a lack of trust.  If you consider the above tips whether it be to accept more dates on Saturday nights, avoid invitations to just ”hang out”, or pay more attention to how he treats you on holidays and other special days, you will be well ahead of the curve in your knowledge of dating.  We may not be able to prevent all cases where this happens to a woman but I’m hopeful that these tips will help steer you in the right direction to determine your status in that relationship.  Good Luck!

Monday, August 5, 2013

The Real Deal: Dating Men With Kids

What To Do When Your Prince Charming Has Kids!

Mr. Tall, Dark and Handsome walks up to you, smiles at you, and introduces himself to you  You take one look at him and get excited because you think this just might be your lucky day.  You engage him in a casual conversation and find that not only is he attractive to you but he is also mentally stimulating as well.  You must be in heaven.  Before the conversation ends, he asks for your name and number so the two of you can continue the conversation over the phone.  Just as soon as you thought your prayers had been answered, he tells you he’ll call you once he drops off the kids at his baby momma’s house.  Your smile starts to fade and so do your dreams.

So what’s a woman to do when she meets men with kids?  Well, for starters, it’s certainly not the end of the world.  Even though there are obvious disadvantages to dating guys with kids, there are some really great advantages as well that women tend to overlook with these relationships.  We’ll explore the advantages and disadvantages to these relationships below.

Let’s Start With The Bad News:  The Disadvantages

1.    Lack Of Quality Time With You – Men with kids have to schedule their time around kids.  Depending on whether he has full or partial custody of his child, it can severely limit the amount of time he spends on leisure activities such as dates.  A simple act of going out on a date may require him to hire a babsitter or ask family and friends to watch his child for a few hours which over time can become an inconvenience.  There also may be times when dates are cancelled in cases where the child gets sick or when a babysitter is not possible.  Tip:  Have a life outside of him so that you’re not completely disappointed on days when it is necessary for him to spend his time with his kids.

2.    Less Financial Resources To Spend On You – If you are the type of woman where you like to go out on extravagant dates and adventurous activities, you may have to lower your expectations.  Having kids is expensive, especially when you factor in diapers, clothes, food, health and dental care.  If he is a generous man, he’ll want to give his kids the best life he can afford.  The more generous he is with his kids, the less money he’ll have to spend on you.  Tip:  Be prepared to pay for a few dates here and there or be creative with low cost activities that the two of you can enjoy together.

3.    You’ll Be Less of A Priority To Him – When you’re in a relationship with a man with kids, you’re really in a relationship with his kids, his kids mother, his own mother and then you.  Remember, his family was there before you came into his life.  They are more of a certainty because they have history with him and he’ll treat them as such when it comes to where to place his priorities.  Tip:  Try not to get upset with him if you feel you’re less of a priority but DO demand respect as you are (or will be) his significant other and may be a part of his life for a long time.

4.     Jealousy May Rear Its Ugly Head – This is where it gets ugly!  As women, we can become territorial when it comes to our men.  Whenever there’s a break-up, there’s a scorned woman and you would have to deal with her on a continuing basis, especially when a young child is involved.  I don’t care how nice of a person you are, the mother of his child could still drive you crazy.  Just put yourself in her shoes and understand where she is coming from.  She thought this man would be her soul mate and things did not work out that way.  Now, you, the new girl is in his life sharing the joy that she once had with him and sharing the family she helped to create.  Tip: Take the high road and be respectful to her as she is the mother of his child.   But DO require respect from her and let your man know when she isn’t giving it.    

5.    You May Be Considered An Intruder (temporarily!) – Children instinctively want their biological parents together and find anyone other than their immediate family a threat to their world, including YOU.  Sure, you may have good intentions but you’ll have to give the relationship time before the children can open up to you.    Remember, you’re an outsider so you’ll have to be patient with them so that they can see that you have their best interests at heart.  Tip:  Be patient!

Now Let’s Move On To The Good News:  The Advantages

1.    Having A Man With Nurturing And Sensitive Capabilities – I believe this is one of the best traits when it comes to men with kids, particularly daughters.  They can be some of the most nurturing and sensitive guys you’ll ever meet as they have gained these traits from being a good father to their kids.  Usually, when you find a guy who is nuturing and sensitive to his child, he’ll also be nuturing and sensitive to the woman he is dating as well.  The responsibility of having to raise kids really opens them up to other wonderful traits such as loyalty, compassion, and self-less type behavior patterns.

2.    He Can Be Less Of A ”Disappearing Act” – When a boy becomes a man, he puts away childish things.  Children provide men with a sense of responsibility and therefore tend to make them grow up almost instaneously.  Yes, a man can be a jerk with or without kids but if he’s taking care of his kids on a constant basis, then you probably won’t have to worry about him disappearing in the middle of the night.  He has developed staying power which can be a beautiful thing for a budding relationship.

3.    He May Make More Concessions For You – It’s really challenging being a single parent, particularly for men.  They can be used to their mothers and ex-wives doing all of the cooking, cleaning and changing diapers so this mothering role takes a lot out of them.  As a result, they tend to be more open to different types of women.  In other words, they may be more compromising on a woman’s attractiveness, age, weight and other factors in which they may not have been willing to before having kids.  This does not mean they are settling but rather focusing on deeper characteristics in a woman such as the ability to be a good step mother to his child.

4.    You Can Help To Nurture And Guide His Kids – If you’re a very compassionate woman, this may be the perfect situation for you.  You can have a direct influence on how his kids are raised.  Sure, you can’t over-step the boundaries put in place for the kids by their parents but you can still offer guidance and wisdom to his kids as a trusted friend or confidante.  Sometimes kids find it hard to go to their parents for advice so you would be the perfect person for them to come to in that situation.  Just be careful of being their ”friend” as you will still be considered an authority figure and they must listen to you accordingly.

5.    Opportunity To Help Heal Family Wounds – This is where it gets tricky.  Sometimes when outsiders come into an already dysfunctional family, it can create total chaos or it can signal a new beginning.  My hope for you is that it becomes a new beginning for yourself and that of the family.  This is an opportunity for you to bring a sense of hope in a bad situation.  There’s usually a lot of open wounds when it comes to divorce or family break-ups and you have a unique opportunity to bring healing to all involved.

In summary, dating a man with kids is certainly not for the faint of heart.  There can be many advantages to the situation including having a man who has learned to be more nurturing and sensitive towards others as he is with his own children and one who isn’t into ”disappearing acts”.  However, we simply can’t ignore the many disadvantages such as the lack of quality time and resources he’ll have for you and not to mention the jealousy and disrespect which may come as a result in this family situation. 

At the end of the day, no one can judge you if you decide to date a man with kids or simply decide against it.  Some women are happy dating men with kids and others couldn’t imagine it.  My goal in this article was to provide you with enough information to make an informed decision so that you can live your life accordingly.  My hope is that you take the information and make the best choice possible.  Good Luck!

For more helpful dating tips, please check out my website at or inquire about my date coaching services at