Monday, March 31, 2014

Why Understanding Your Core Values Matter

Are you settling on your core values to find a mate?

It’s really frustrating to me as a dating coach and matchmaker to coach singles who say they want one thing but then go after another.  I encourage them to do a lot of soul searching to find out what it is they need and desire from a relationship so I can help them find that person.  Through my own evolution in coaching, I’ve learned to understand that this process takes time.  Society, the media, or our peers nurture us into believing what is good for us despite what our soul is yearning for in our lives.  We become puzzled when we find that “perfect” person as to why we are still not fulfilled in our hearts, cynical when our choices do not turn out as we expected and disillusioned that we could live up to society’s standards.

I meet people all the time who don’t understand who they are on a soul level.  When you don’t know who you are beneath the make-up and the outer garments, it becomes harder for you to meet the right person.  As Aristotle says, “Know Thyself”.  When you don’t know yourself, you’ll accept anyone into your life, even the people who aren’t quite right for you.  The more you know yourself, the more you can weed out these people and find the one who would be a great fit for you.  There’s a lot of people in this world and as a single person looking to find the right mate, you’ll need to learn how to identify and discern the ones who are meant to be with you.

So what are your core values?  These are the values that are important to us and make us who we are on a soul level.  They’re what we care about the most and strive to protect in our lives.  For example, the CEO of a company could value achievement in their home or on their jobs while a stay at home mom could value having the security of her family.  Or maybe you value freedom in your relationships in which your mate needs to allow you the space and freedom you need to do whatever it is you desire in your life.  These are the things that we fiercely protect because they are so integral in our identities.

Our core values sometimes get lost in translation because we’re afraid if people knew this about us, they wouldn’t like us.  We’re afraid they’ll leave us if they really knew us on a soul level.  Using the example of a stay at home mom, what would the other working moms think if she revealed that she cares more about her family than anything else in her life including having a job.  Or maybe you value peace at home rather than drama hanging out with your friends but you don’t want to be a “party pooper”.  But by revealing this side of you, you allow others to get to know the “real” you and others will respond accordingly.  In dating, this works because you’re able to then develop your own personal set of criteria to use in finding the right mate who is compatible for you based on your values.

You may ask how you find your personal core values.  Well, it is the thing that matters the most to you once you drill down from all the superficial, materialistic values that we think we need to make us happy.  Think about what you would value if there wasn’t any money to be made or if you couldn’t change anything physically about yourself.  What is the thing that you worry about the most or that keeps you up at night?  What is the thing that you think about the most in your life?  Try to narrow this down to a few words or details that really describe what you are ultimately trying to seek in your life.  This will help you to get down to your basic core values to be able to develop the right criteria to select your potential suitor.

In short, settling on your core values is really not an option if you want to find the right mate.  I’ve seen time and time again people settle on their values just to have someone in their lives.  You know, loneliness kicks in and core values get pushed to the wayside only to show up later in life once you’re married with kids and realize that you’ve married the wrong person.  Please don’t let this be you.  Take the time to think about your core values and weigh them against any potential suitors that come into your life.  True love and happiness comes from knowing ourselves and then being able to pick the right mate accordingly.

Good Luck!

For more helpful dating tips, please check out my website at or you may inquire about my dating/relationship coaching services at

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