Sunday, September 15, 2013

Breaking Up: Excuses You Tell Yourself To Avoid The Inevitable

Breaking Up Is Hard To Do…But Does It Have To Be?
You’ve put so much time and energy into the relationship and really do want to see your partner do well in life.  But you know in your heart this relationship isn’t working for you anymore.  You don’t want to seem cold and heartless because you care so much about this person.   You love the person as a friend but not someone in which you wish to be in an intimate relationship.
You know it’s the end but you stay in there anyway.  You’re long past talking, couples therapy or any remedial techniques that couples go through in order to salvage their relationship.  Your heart is telling you to let it go.  Maybe tomorrow you tell yourself avoiding the inevitable.  Maybe the person will change and I won’t have to go through with the break up.  But it never happens.  You’ve been here before..time and time again.  You’re tired, miserable and your health is fading fast. 
So why do we stay in relationships when we know they aren’t in our best interests any longer?  I’ve listed several excuses below that we tell ourselves to avoid the inevitable.  The truth is that it takes two people to complete a relationship and when one person isn’t happy, there’s really no relationship because eventually the unhappy person will go elsewhere.  Sure, you can “hang in there” and see if things get any better but if you’re honest with yourself, you’ve probably already tried and it hasn’t worked. 
Let’s see how many excuses we can check off our list below of why we like to avoid a break up.
1.       My Partner Says They Need Me – Maybe they do need you but that would mean they are dependent on you to make them happy.  They have to find the strength to create their own path in life.  You can’t live their life for them!  They are here to learn their own lessons no matter how much pain it causes for them.  The best thing you can do for your partner is to be supportive of them and help them to get back in the game of life and conquer whatever obstacles come their way.  And you don’t have to be in a relationship with this person but support them as a friend and let them know you are still there for them.
2.       It’s The Economy Stupid! – If you’re staying in there for the economy, you’re going to be unhappy for a very long time.  We don’t know when the economy is going to get back to where it was before the recession so you may want to make alternate plans.  Financial worries are very real if you’ve been living with someone for a very long period of time and have become accustomed to that person’s income for your lifestyle.  But so is your health and happiness.  You’ll have to ask yourself how long you can stay with this person if the economy does not turn around soon.
3.       I Don’t Want To Feel Like A Failure – You’re not a failure if you’ve at least made an attempt at success.  Those that failed are the ones who’ve never tried.  What will my family and friends think if I tell them my relationship didn’t work out?  They’ll sympathize with you and know it was in your best interests.  And who cares what they think?  You are the one that has to interact with this person on a daily basis.  If the relationship is bringing you down, you would be the one to have deal with this-not them.
4.       I’m Staying For The Kids – Well, I’m a big proponent of staying in the relationship for kids, but not if the relationship is making you miserable.  I think the kids sense this and wonder why you’re staying in a relationship that makes you unhappy.  They see this as a child growing up and emulate this scenario in their own homes.  The best thing you can do for the kids is to end the relationship and at least, they will see you as an empowered individual.
5.       No one Else Will Want Me –And what if someone else does want you?  They’re not going to get the opportunity to even meet you while you’re still with your partner.  You haven’t given them the chance simply because you have not chosen to leave your “nest”.
6.       I Don’t Want To Be Alone – And this one is the killer!  If I had to pick one excuse that keeps people in relationships for years and years, it would be this one.  Listen, I’m not going to tell you that you won’t be alone, but being alone sometimes is for the best.  Sometimes, we get so caught up in serving our partner’s needs that we forget about our own.  We lose ourselves and become dumbfounded as to how it happened.  This could be the best thing that has ever happened to you because you’ll have taken your power back and allowed yourself the freedom to move on to the next journey.
Relationships are here to help us grow and evolve as better people.  When a relationship becomes stagnant or we’re no longer getting our needs met, then it’s essentially over.   Either we find the strength to end it ourselves or life will end it for us through unfortunate situations.  It’s always better when we can become empowered to make better decisions for our lives rather than let life take over for us.   Breaking up will always be hard to do but if we focus on who we are and what we want out of life, I think we’ll find the motivation we need to do what’s best.

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