#STOPBEINGADRAMAQUEEN!
If there’s one
thing I love about my significant other is that he makes me smile even when I
don’t feel like it. There are days when
I look at him and the whole world stands still.
But then there are days when I just want to bury my head in the sand
from arguing with him. Have you been
there? If you haven’t, you probably will
at some point in your relationship. It
certainly doesn’t have to be like that if you learn how to argue or challenge
each other in a positive and nurturing way.
Well, I’ve been
focused for quite some time on finding ways that couples can fight in an effective
and non-threatening way and still get their needs met. Now this can be quite a contradiction. Especially, since men and women can be so
different in the way they express themselves.
The more I work with women, the more I realize how much they need to
express themselves in a relationship whether good or bad. The need to get their thoughts and feelings
off their chest are paramount. Men, on
the other hand, don’t share this same need.
As a matter of fact, they would rather avoid the whole thing altogether!
One thing that is
constant between both sexes is the need to get our needs met. We both have a yearning to get something out
of the relationship. However, the way we
go about it isn’t always the best to generate the most effective results. For example, let’s say she wants more affection
from him at home while he needs more appreciation from her for the things he already
does at home. In other words, she’s
starving for love and reassurance and he’s starving for recognition. Simply put, both are starving to get their
needs met but can’t seem to get across to the other person in a positive and meaningful
way.
So how do we come together
and get on one accord? As I’ve done research
in my own life, through the lives of other couples I’ve observed, and the
enormous wealth of information from a number of relationship experts on this
subject, I’ve come up with my own theory.
Below, I’ve outlined a few steps for challenging each other in a
positive way and ensuring your needs are heard and accepted.
1.
Stick To The Issue At Hand – When we get mad at our mates, we tend to
get into a pattern where we bring up old issues besides the one at hand. Then before we know it, we’re lost in
conversation and attacking the person for issues that have already been settled
or buried and have no relevance to the one you’re currently facing. By the end of the conversation, the current issue
is still unresolved and our partner doesn’t even know what we wanted in the
first place. Hint: Prioritize your issues!
2.
Don’t Attack Your Partner – Golden
Rule! The worst thing you can do in
a relationship, particularly when you are in the middle of an argument is
attack the character of your partner. In
comparison to boxing, you’re “hitting below the belt”. When you attack your partner, you open up the
door to having your character assaulted as well. Women become more emotional and men shut down
completely. Meanwhile, the issue you
want to address lies dormant while your partner’s feelings just got
crushed. Hint: Attack the issue not the
person!
3.
Create A Win/Win – The best thing you can do is to create
little “win/wins” for your partner while maintaining your need to get what you
want. When thinking of your needs,
consider their needs as well. For
example, if you want him to take you out more, then also be willing compromise
and cook dinner at home when he has had a long day at work. Using this same example, you could also make
it worth his time and interest by offering to go to places he’ll enjoy as well
so that he gets something out of it too.
Think big picture. You want to be
successful in the relationship and that entails the two of you being happy and
fulfilled together. Hint: Consider their needs too!
4.
Let Your Partner Know How Much It Means To
You – Our mates are not
mind readers! Sometimes they need a
little nudge from us about our needs and what getting those needs met really
means to us. This may sound crazy but
think about how kids ask for what they want.
They usually give us big doe-like eyes as they ask and it’s as if their
whole world will be turned upside down if we don’t give it to them. Well, you don’t have to go overboard in a
dramatic way but just letting your partner know how much something really means
to you can do wonders for you in actually getting that need fulfilled. Hint: Let Them Know It Means A Lot!
5.
Give Your Partner Some Space To Consider
Your Needs – Once you’ve
asked for what you need, give your mate a little space. Allow them the space to consider what you
want and how they may go about giving it to you. If you ask for what you want and then demand
they give it to you now, you’ll seem selfish and impatient. Not to mention, you’ll have turned them off
and they may actually reject you altogether.
Besides, they may be in the process of not only giving you what you need
but doing it in a way that you never imagined.
(Hint:
Be Patient!)
6.
Don’t Let Others Dictate Your Relationship – Sometimes we get so wrapped up in our
needs, we tend to invite others into the conversation that’s meant to be had
with our partners. This includes having
casual, nonchalant conversations with our family members, friends, co-workers,
and others who really don’t have a clue what’s really going on inside of our
relationships. All they can do is
speculate based on what “we” have told them.
They have to be on your side so your partner never has a chance to
defend him or herself. That’s not very
fair. When it comes to your needs, keep it
between you and your partner. Besides,
if you tell them how bad or unloving your mate is and then you go back to that
person next week, they’ll be confused and may not believe you the next time
something happens. Hint: Keep your love affairs
private! Disclaimer:
we’re not talking about abuse in which case telling your family and
friends is always acceptable.
In short, relationships
teach us a lot about ourselves. Our
partners are like our own mirror images.
They are there to help us grow and be a better person. It’s no coincidence that relationships are
the most challenging area of our lives that we’ll ever encounter. It is in this space that our true growth and
identity lies. Cultivating and nurturing
relationships is where we get our needs met.
Through positive reinforcements like win/wins, staying out of “attack
mode”, being focused on the task at hand, letting them know how much a thing
really means to us, giving our partners some space, and not allowing others to
dictate our relationship is where we can find success. There’s no need for drama when we have our
partner’s best interest at heart. When
we consider our needs, the needs of our partners, and the success of the
relationship, we’ll be just fine.
Thanks for reading!
For more helpful dating tips,
please check out my website at www.liveloveaspire.blogspot.com
or you may inquire about my dating/relationship coaching services at www.liveloveaspire.com.
