30s And Beyond: Top 5 Places To Meet Great Men

Quality vs Quantity of Places Is Key for Dating At A Later Age

As a Dating and Relationship coach, my favorite question is ”where can i find good men?”  I have entertained this question many times and have found the real question to be ”where can I find a guy convenient to where I live and work within the time and distance requirements that I would prefer and who fits all of my criteria I have listed on my checklist?”  This may sound funny or sarcastic but generally this is the underlying intention behind the original question.  We have become such a ”microwavable” society that we expect things to happen at our own convenience and become frustrated when they don’t turn out that way.  I think that online dating, although very well intended, may have contributed to our sense of laziness making us want to have it all in finding a mate and not even having to get out of our comfort zone to find him.  Then when you couple this with being in your 30s and beyond and you have a recipe for being single for a very long time.

To help get us back on track for meeting people, I’ve decided to list my ultimate top 5 places to meet men offline.  There are literally hundreds of places I could mention here but I thought I would give you the best quality places I’ve found that people usually meet, particularly in your 30s and beyond.

 1.     Charities And Fundraising Events – This is the best way to meet people and one of the ways that is close to my heart.  Not only are you helping other people or serving the community for some worthy cause but you’re getting your face out there so men can see you.  If you don’t have any great ideas about charities to participate in or don’t know about any fundraising events, join a religious or community oriented group that has specific goals towards community outreach.  Even if you don’t meet a potential mate, you’ll feel better about yourself.  I believe when you are doing good for other people, God or the Universe will reward you accordingly.

2.     Salsa Dancing Or Partner Oriented Dances – This is one of my second best ways to meet people because men have to ask you to dance.  They have to make an effort to approach you, initiate conversation and escort you to the dance floor.  The other thing I love about partner oriented dances is that men generally have to take the lead.  This is a very romantic, yet traditional way of dating.  Not to mention salsa dancing is very sensual and sexy!  Why not put on a pretty dress, stick a flower in your hair, put on some cute shoes and shake your buns!

 

3.     Business Conferences/Seminars/Workshops – This is another great way to meet people because generally people come alone and will be more open minded to getting to know other people as compared to festivals or other events where they tend to travel in groups.  You also have common interests to share and discuss in between sessions.  One tip is to stay away from late night events where the men may get a little too frisky and you find yourself in a compromising position with someone you just met.

 

4.     Jobs Working With The Public – Why do you think so many celebrities, models, TV personalities and others working in the public get so many marriage proposals?  They are constantly in the spotlight working with the public.  They are visible to the public which generates potential admirers and fans.  Now you certainly don’t have to change jobs if you don’t work with the public but consider adding hobbies or activities that would put you front and center for people to see you.  For example, you could try hosting or promoting local events where your help would be appreciated.  You could try volunteering at your church to read the weekly announcements in front of the congregation.  Even becoming an expert in your field of work can get you potential radio or TV time to display your accomplishments. 

5.     Sporting Events – There is really no other place I can think of which increases your chances of meeting men more than at a sporting event.  If you’re not really into sports, try learning tennis or golf to see how it feels to play the sport.  Participating in a sport is really quite different from watching it on TV because you feel the intensity and the passion people have for it.  You begin to understand the thrill of victory and the agony of defeat which is the reason people watch sports in the first place.  You may also get a good work out in which increases your energy level for meeting that special someone.  If you could at least be open to learning about sports, I’m sure men would appreciate your efforts in the process.

As we grow older, meeting people can feel like a daunting process as we are not handed the same opportunities for meeting people as we were when we were in our teenage years.  Between family and work obligations, it can feel like a tedious task.  However, the rewards can be endless.  Just get clear on your intentions for a mate and align your expectations accordingly.  Then think about some of the ways I’ve mentioned above to meet men that would increase your visibility and would generate  interest from them.  Men are everywhere and if you are open to trying new activities to meet them, you should have no problems in finding them.

Please feel free to comment and let me know if you’ve tried any of the above ways to meet people and whether you were successful.  Please also feel free to add to this list of possibilities as well.

For more tips and related articles, please vist my blog at www.liveloveaspire.blogspot.com or for my dating and relationship coaching services, please visit my website at www.liveloveaspire.com.

Should I Relocate To Find Love?

”Maybe the reason you’re still single is because of where you live”

Singles are often disillusioned when they find their prospects of finding a long term mate in their zip code area are not so plentiful.  They go out to local bars and single’s events hoping to find the man or woman of their dreams only to end up having spent a lot of time and money with no return on their investment.  As a result, they may become disappointed with the opposite sex or with the quality of life in that area.

Generally, singles tend to become lonely when they’re not connected to others through relationships.  Sure, you can always make connections through friendships, family relationships, work relationships, or other associations but there’s still that sense of longing to be with someone in a deeply, committed love relationship.  It’s really the emotional and physical intimacy they crave that they can’t get through any other type of connection which can lead to sadness and loneliness for them.

I hear women in major cities often complain about the ratio of women to men as the reason why they can’t find a man.  On the other hand, I hear men in small towns also complain about the lack of women in their area as the reason they can’t find a woman.  Statistically, their assessment may be true in some cases but there may be other reasons underlying their single status.

For example, sometimes it’s not the ratio at all but the culture in that enviroment which may not be conducive for dating, especially in urban cities where ”hooking up” is more normal than the actual process of going out on a date.  Or you may live in an area where it is normal for ”serial dating.”  In other words, singles who are ”serial daters” get together for single and group activities but have no desire for long term commitment.  These may not be the ideal places to live if you want to meet a man or woman who is ready to settle down or get married.

However, no matter what your situation is in your current environment, relocating to a different area can be a huge life transition.  Don’t even think of doing this until you at least have asked yourself the following questions to gain more clarity:

1.    What have I tried so far to find that ideal relationship?  What have others in my current area done to find their mate?  How would others perceive my efforts in this process?  You may want to evaluate whether you have exhausted all of your options for dating including going out to singles events, online dating, speed dating events, etc., to find love.  Dating can be a lot of work but the rewards pay off enormously once you find that special person.  Also, try to find out what others in your area have done to find their mate.  They may be helpful to you in identifying resources or alternative methods for dating that could lead you to that ideal mate without you ever having to relocate.

2.    Have I done my research on prospective singles in the area I choose to live?  If you do decide to relocate to another area, try to get connected to singles in that area to get their thoughts and opinions on the dating scene.  If you get a general mix of both positive and negative opinions that may actually be a good sign.  However, if you get a lot of complaints, you may need to do some further investigations as you may be leaving a bad situation going to a worse one.

3.    How challenging would it be to transition my employment to this new area (if necessary)?  It sounds adventurous to just take off and relocate to another city but if you get there and can’t get a job, you’re going to be in big trouble.  We’re still in a recession in some parts of the country.  If you leave your stable employment in one place to go to another one where there are no jobs even for degreed people, you will spend half your time looking for a job, rather than a wife or husband-the reason you wanted to relocate in the first place!

4.    What would it be like to be in a different city without the comfort and security of family and friends?  When we grow up in a certain area, we develop a safety net.  Our family and friends generally watch over us to ensure we are safe and support us when we need their help.  When you move to another city or state, you are essentially on your own.  Your family and friends are thousands of miles away by phone and will not be able to get there to you in any emergency.  For women, this is especially important to note as there are many men out there that may take advantage of a women who are new to an area.

5.    Have I visited the area enough times to be able to assess whether it is a good fit for me?  You won’t know what it feels like to live in an area until you have visited multiple times, perhaps even spending your entire vacation time there.  It’s not just about dating but also about being able to survive and flourish in the opportunities available in that area.  Additionally, check out the local crime statistics to determine its relative safety.  Then you’ll need to ask yourself is this the place where I can see myself living for an extended amount of time and be able to raise a family accordingly.

In general, finding love can be a challenging task and when there aren’t enough prospective singles in your area, it can be downright devastating.  When we believe we have exhausted all of our resources to find love, we may decide to to relocate to another zip code, city/state or even country.  If you do decide to take the plunge, you are taking several risks including losing your safety net of family and friends, an uncertain job status and even the uncertainty around finding someone there.  On the other hand, it can be very rewarding in that you learn about a new area, gain new friendships and partnerships, and hopefully find that special someone!  If you take the time to evaluate your goal and research your options to reach that goal, you should gain a clearer perspective on which way to go.  Good Luck! 

Secrets To Dating Like A Pageant Chick

The longest standing pageant in America is the Miss America pageant which began in the 1920s.  Growing up I would sit and watch the Miss America pageant with my family as we watched the girls model their swimsuits and evening gowns across the stage.  I can remember debating with my family which of the girls would win as the best contestant.  Through the years, there’s been a host of other pageants to come about such as the Miss USA pageant and countless others with young women hungry with the hope of wearing the crown.

What is it about pageantry that appeals to so many young women you might ask?  Well, other than the glitz and glamor of it, many women are transformed from ugly ducklings to beautiful swans right before the eyes of adoring fans.  What most people don’t realize is the amount of work that goes on behind the scenes in the tranformation process, which makes it so rewarding, and why you should want to try their tips in your own personal life as well.

Sure, you may not be a pageant girl but it may be fun to pretend and apply their style.  Here are the top 10 secrets to dating like a ”pageant chick.”  We’ll understand if you don’t want to share them with your BFF!

1.    Have A Bikini-Ready (or healthy) Body –  There are many health benefits to eating right and working out that go far beyond pageantry or dating.  People tend to live longer when they eat nutritional meals and add a little exercise to their daily regimen.  Not to mention, men tend to be attracted to women who appear to be healthy, even if they’re not a size 4.  

2.    Have A Stylish Look For Your Hair – Add a little flair to your hairstyle whether it be a great color, cut, or add pieces to your hair that will give you the look you want for your date with that special guy.

3.    Have A Fun-loving Personality – Where do you think the term ”Miss Congeniality” came from?  It was created as a way to appreciate and reward the girl that was the most likeable and friendly in the competition.  A woman who appears to be likeable and having fun always wins dates.  Men love to be around women who won’t stress them out but cause them to feel good while he is with her.

4.    Find A Great Cause To Believe In – Many women are drawn into pageantry to promote and bring awareness to the causes they truly believe in for society.  For example, if you care about saving our planet, you could do research into local opportunities in which you could help.  Having a cause that you care about tends to make you more compassionate towards the needs of others and score you brownie points on dates.

5.    Develop A Great Talent – How many times have you been amazed by someone who gets on stage and moves you to tears with their extraordinary talent.  If you have an interesting talent that you think others will enjoy, try to develop that talent and showcase it to others.  Some people think it’s beauty that wins the heart of men, I would beg to differ.  I think a woman who has a special talent like the ability to sing like an angel can actually have much more of a chance.

6.    Have Great Posture – There’s something to be said about a woman who can stand tall with her back and shoulders straight and hold her head high.  It may be the underlying confidence assumed from her body language.  She commands respect (and usually gets it!).

7.    Whiten Your Teeth – Pageant girls should be camera ready at all times, particularly with that perfect smile.  Have you ever noticed the amount of time they have to smile on stage?  Now imagine if they hadn’t taken the time beforehand to whiten their teeth?  Exactly!  Whether you are on or off stage, having your teeth whitened can make a difference in the way you feel about your smile and the compliments you receive on your date.

8.    Know Your Colors – I learned this through working with an image consultant.  She says that a woman should know which colors match her skin and make her look her best.  One good tip to determine your best colors is the amount of compliments you get while wearing a certain shade.  For example, if people are always complimenting you when you wear a certain shade of red, pay attention, you may have your match.

9.    Be Well Versed In A Variety Of Subjects –  As a pageant girl, having to know some of everything has to be the most challenging task.  You never know what questions the judges will ask of you.  However, it’s also the most rewarding because it makes you more well-rounded.  This can apply for dating as well.  You certainly don’t have to study like a pageant girl but you should know a little about what’s going on in the world in case you’re out at an event or on a date and the subject seems to up.  No one wants to be seen as an ”air-head” so knowing a little about various subjects can go a long way.

10.  Have A Winning Attitude – Winning a pageant is the same as winning on a date.  When you believe you can, you will!  When you believe you will, you do!  If you walk into it with the right mindset, then you will come out of it as a winner, regardless of the outcome. 

As you can see, you certainly don’t have to be a ”pageant chick” in order to appreciate and apply these tips to your own lives.  You just need to be open to the possibilities.  Using a few of their secrets combined with a winning attitude towards life should get you the man of your dreams, or at the very minimum, lots of adoring fans!

If you’re interested in competing in a great pageant, please check out the Essence pageant at www.essencepageant.org.  Please contact Sue Drakeford (former Miss Nebraska USA), Founder & President for more information.

For more helpful dating tips, please check out my website at www.liveloveaspire.blogspot.com or inquire about my date coaching services at www.liveloveaspire.com .

10 Ways for a Shy Girl to Get Noticed!

As a self-professed former shy girl, I can tell you that meeting men can be a downright brutal process.  You are simply not comfortable going up to men and asking them out on a date.  Going out to socials is fun for everyone else but you.  You would much rather be home cuddling with your sweetheart, curled up with a box of popcorn watching “Joey” on an episode of “Friends”.  Life just can’t get any better.

Well, for all of my shy girls, I totally get you and have included some of my ultimate top 10 favorite ways that will help you get noticed and (get the guy!!).

1.    Be confident in yourself – This may sound like a contradiction but you need to be confident in who you are and self-assured that you will get what you need in life.  It helps you to honor your boundaries and set firm standards of what you will and will not tolerate from men.  Interestingly enough, men love confident women and generally rank it high on their list of desired traits in a woman.

2.    Dress To Impress (Men!) – It’s been said that women dress to appease other women but when you’re single attracting men should be a priority.  There are plenty of nice outfits for both day and night that would be perfect for the office and that late evening Happy Hour as well.  You may want to check to see if there is a consultant in one of your favorite stores.  Let her know the desired effect you want out of your look and she may be able to help you.  You may also want to hire an image consultant.

3.    Have a Great Attitude – Men are attracted to women that can make them feel good.  If you nag or complain a lot, then he’ll begin to imagine this is what it will be like when the two of you are married and run away quickly.  If you seem to always have a positive outlook on life, you’ll be a keeper, as he’ll imagine great times with you in the future.  Having a positive attitude is worth more than its weight in gold in getting noticed by men. 

4.    Wear long or medium length hair – Okay, I know my feminist sistahs will get on me for this one but unless you look like Halley Berry, or any of those women who could attract a man even if they had a bag on their heads, then you’ll probably need to keep a certain length of hair.  In my own personal life and that of my family and friends, I’ve found that men prefer women with long or medium length hair.  Not to mention, it’s super flirty!  And don’t forget a little lip gloss to add to your look!

5.    Use your femininity – Men fall head over heels for women that know how to use their feminine wiles.  We may be an equal opportunity society but some things never change.

6.    Wear unique accessories – You want to stand out in the crowd, right?  Well this is a fun way to do it.  Wear something unique like a fun hat or an odd piece of jewelry as they could be great conversation starters.  I love hats and jewelry.  As a matter of fact, when I’m out on a scorching hot day, I make sure I put on a pretty hat and I always catch a guy looking my way.

7.    Wear sexy heels – Heels make you have good posture because it forces you to have your back straight and shoulders back.  Not to mention it makes your legs and your figure look incredible.  Maybe that’s why we girls bust our butts to buy those stilettos!!

8.    Have charm and grace – These are traits that really stand out on a woman because they’re not taught in schools or homes anymore.  There are some men that love to have a beautiful woman on their arms who is also well versed on proper etiquette.  He’ll always think of you when he is invited to upscale events.

9.    Have interesting hobbies – These should be hobbies that you enjoy doing in your spare time.  It could a sporting activity such as tennis or golf.  You could also add volunteerism as a favorite hobby.  Having a hobby will give you great talking points when you are out on a date or at an important event and you need to make “small talk”.

And last but not least….

10.  Be Yourself – Out of all the other ways to get noticed, this is the crucial one.  Nothing else will work unless you’re comfortable in your own skin.  The other ways mentioned above are improvements to who you are and meant to help you to attract men but first and foremost, you need to be yourself.  If you can’t be yourself, he’ll notice it immediately.  If you like to laugh, share a little of your humor.  If you like to be adventurous, share some of your activities.  If you like to be a tomboy, share some of that too!

Being shy is no reason to have to be alone.  As you can see, there are many ways for a shy girl to get noticed by men.  Just believe in yourself, consider adding a few enhancements to your look and watch the magic happen.  Who knows, you may be looking at attracting one guy into your life and get the attention of several others!  Have fun!

Financial Matrimony: How Much Debt Would You Be Willing to Accept?

Remember when dating was simple.  All a guy had to do was pass you a greasy napkin asking whether you liked him.  You had the option to check “Yes” or “No” and depending on your response that could be the start of a great romance.  Nowadays, dating and relationships have become much more of a risky investment. 

No longer do I hear my single girlfriends talk about finding their “knight in shining armor”, rather they’re talking about how much debt this guy is going to bring to the table.  They definitely have a reason to be concerned since it isn’t at all unlikely they will date and marry someone who has been married multiple times and/or has children from a previous marriage.  You’re also looking at singles that have outstanding loans from school, mortgage, car note, credit cards, judgment liens or even bankruptcy. 

Issues with money are usually rooted from childhood.  Parents tend to be very influential in how the child perceives managing the money in that household.  If budgeting and saving money techniques are taught in the household, the child will use such techniques in their adult life.  If money is seen as the “root of all evil”, this negative perception will follow them accordingly.

There’s also a psychological element to money.  People use money as a tool or means to alleviate any negative emotions.  For example, when a woman goes through a divorce, she may pull out her credit card and engage in compulsive shopping as a means to avoid the pain of the divorce.  On the other hand, a man may use his money to attract lots of women to avoid feeling lonely.  There’s always an emotion or feeling associated with spending money and that feeling dictates how much or how little of the money will be spent.  When those feelings involve a love relationship, particularly one associated with a negative experience, the money may be spent unwisely.

People that have high outstanding debt are generally ashamed that they are in this position in the first place.  They feel really guilty about having to carry it into their new relationship.  If the person with the debt can acknowledge their faults and take responsibility for their past actions, the person will work hard to pay off all amounts that are due.  On the other hand, if the person cannot readily accept their role in the situation and/or refuses to take any ownership of it, it may be time to re-evaluate the relationship.

Overall, when you’re planning to spend the rest of your life together with that special someone, you’ll need to determine whether you can accept their past debt or whether it is better for you to move on from the situation.  A person with a high amount of debt could have hundreds of thousands of dollars to pay back to a creditor or lending agency which could take several years just to pay down the interest.  It could affect you as a couple when buying a house, a car, or when your spouse applies for a job.  Even the simple luxuries that couples enjoy such as travelling together or just going out to a movie would have to be negotiated as the person may not be able to afford to go.  Just remember that you are accepting the person and their debt as a complete package deal. 

If you do decide to accept this person into your life for the long term, try not to judge them on their past spending habits but be supportive of them in their journey ahead.  This certainly isn’t an easy task for them but having you as their trusted partner will make the journey easier.  Helping the person overcome their past debt can lead to tremendous growth and healing and a greater understanding achieved.

A Woman’s Perceived Power over Men

Ladies…Do you have the Power in your Relationship?

There’s usually always one person in a relationship that appears to have the power while the other one has to make a few adjustments.  It’s certainly not to say the two people in the relationship don’t equally love each other, it’s just that one person may have some type of power over the other one.  I like to term this “Perceived Power” or when one person perceives the other as having the power in that relationship and it is clear to both parties involved.  Power comes in many shapes and forms including beauty, high income, having a college degree, or brings no “baggage” to that relationship, just to name a few. 

I coach mainly women in my business and I try to teach them to have confidence in their dating lifestyles.  This gives them the power they need to date successfully.  They’re able to raise their standards to where they want them to be and negotiate their needs and desires with the other person accordingly.  I do believe the power must rest with the woman.  I’ve seen too many times how a man in a relationship has the power over the woman and he uses it to abuse her or the relationship ends abruptly.  There’s just something about a confident woman in a relationship that men consider to be sexy and there lies her power. 

When a woman has the power in a relationship, she is able to have negotiating room to get what she wants in that relationship.  This includes, but is not limited to, flowers “just because”, consistent phone calls and dates, constant reminders of how much he loves her, and a general feeling of safety and security in that relationship.  As a matter of fact, those women that I have seen to have power in the relationship seem to have all of these factors and much more.  When a woman does not have the power in the relationship, I’ve seen the opposite happen whether it is inconsistent phone calls/dates, feelings of inadequacy, feelings of being lost in that relationship, and a sense that the relationship is going nowhere fast.  This is why it is so important for a woman to have the power as opposed to the man in a relationship.

Generally, men that have brought what we term “baggage” to the relationship will allow a woman negotiating room in that relationship.  This includes, but is not limited to, kids from a prior relationship, ex-spouses, less income, criminal past, blue collar background or non-degreed, feelings of un-attractiveness, etc.  These types of men know that a good woman is hard to find that will be able to deal with his prior issues and will negotiate with her a little more to be able to convince her to choose him over the other competitors.  She, of course, having the “perceived power” knows this and is able to demand more for her time and effort with him.  If he can convince her that he can make her happy, despite his previous misfortunes, then she may allow the relationship to grow and prosper accordingly.  If not, she will quickly move on to someone else.  One caveat is if she has brought the same issues into the relationship, then this would create a more balanced effect. 

I’ve seen countless times where a professional woman will date a man who brings a few “bags” to the relationship but he has been able to make her happy in other areas.  For example, he makes her laugh and treats her like a queen.  She just simply could not refuse the deal.  And some women will purposely only date these types of men simply because she knows there is room for negotiation.  Guys without “baggage” or prior issues may not be so willing to negotiate making the relationship difficult to sustain for her.

A woman’s perceived power in a relationship greatly depends on her confidence in that relationship and how the man in that relationship perceives it.  If she has the confidence to walk away at a moment’s notice when he does not live up to her standards or ideals, then she has the “perceived power”.  Consistent dates and phone calls are just a few of the gifts she is rewarded in return.  Men who bring “baggage” to the relationship will have less power in that relationship and be more willing to negotiate with her to fulfill her standards and expectations.  This type of power does not have to be a bad thing and when both parties involved come to the relationship with the common goal of love and long term commitment, they may be able to live a long and happy life together.

2013 Matchmaker's Conference in New York, NY

I got the chance to meet Dating and Relationship author and expert Rachel Greenwald at the 2013 Matchmaker’s Conference in New York.  Her books include “Have Him at Hello:  Confessions from 1,000 Guys About What Makes Them Fall in Love…Or Never Call Back and “Find a Husband After 35: (Using What I Learned at Harvard Business School). I actually have to read them again because it’s been so long:).  It was a great event and I can’t wait to share the information with all of you at one of the upcoming workshops