10 Ways for a Shy Girl to Get Noticed!

As a self-professed former shy girl, I can tell you that meeting men can be a downright brutal process.  You are simply not comfortable going up to men and asking them out on a date.  Going out to socials is fun for everyone else but you.  You would much rather be home cuddling with your sweetheart, curled up with a box of popcorn watching “Joey” on an episode of “Friends”.  Life just can’t get any better.

Well, for all of my shy girls, I totally get you and have included some of my ultimate top 10 favorite ways that will help you get noticed and (get the guy!!).

1.    Be confident in yourself – This may sound like a contradiction but you need to be confident in who you are and self-assured that you will get what you need in life.  It helps you to honor your boundaries and set firm standards of what you will and will not tolerate from men.  Interestingly enough, men love confident women and generally rank it high on their list of desired traits in a woman.

2.    Dress To Impress (Men!) – It’s been said that women dress to appease other women but when you’re single attracting men should be a priority.  There are plenty of nice outfits for both day and night that would be perfect for the office and that late evening Happy Hour as well.  You may want to check to see if there is a consultant in one of your favorite stores.  Let her know the desired effect you want out of your look and she may be able to help you.  You may also want to hire an image consultant.

3.    Have a Great Attitude – Men are attracted to women that can make them feel good.  If you nag or complain a lot, then he’ll begin to imagine this is what it will be like when the two of you are married and run away quickly.  If you seem to always have a positive outlook on life, you’ll be a keeper, as he’ll imagine great times with you in the future.  Having a positive attitude is worth more than its weight in gold in getting noticed by men. 

4.    Wear long or medium length hair – Okay, I know my feminist sistahs will get on me for this one but unless you look like Halley Berry, or any of those women who could attract a man even if they had a bag on their heads, then you’ll probably need to keep a certain length of hair.  In my own personal life and that of my family and friends, I’ve found that men prefer women with long or medium length hair.  Not to mention, it’s super flirty!  And don’t forget a little lip gloss to add to your look!

5.    Use your femininity – Men fall head over heels for women that know how to use their feminine wiles.  We may be an equal opportunity society but some things never change.

6.    Wear unique accessories – You want to stand out in the crowd, right?  Well this is a fun way to do it.  Wear something unique like a fun hat or an odd piece of jewelry as they could be great conversation starters.  I love hats and jewelry.  As a matter of fact, when I’m out on a scorching hot day, I make sure I put on a pretty hat and I always catch a guy looking my way.

7.    Wear sexy heels – Heels make you have good posture because it forces you to have your back straight and shoulders back.  Not to mention it makes your legs and your figure look incredible.  Maybe that’s why we girls bust our butts to buy those stilettos!!

8.    Have charm and grace – These are traits that really stand out on a woman because they’re not taught in schools or homes anymore.  There are some men that love to have a beautiful woman on their arms who is also well versed on proper etiquette.  He’ll always think of you when he is invited to upscale events.

9.    Have interesting hobbies – These should be hobbies that you enjoy doing in your spare time.  It could a sporting activity such as tennis or golf.  You could also add volunteerism as a favorite hobby.  Having a hobby will give you great talking points when you are out on a date or at an important event and you need to make “small talk”.

And last but not least….

10.  Be Yourself – Out of all the other ways to get noticed, this is the crucial one.  Nothing else will work unless you’re comfortable in your own skin.  The other ways mentioned above are improvements to who you are and meant to help you to attract men but first and foremost, you need to be yourself.  If you can’t be yourself, he’ll notice it immediately.  If you like to laugh, share a little of your humor.  If you like to be adventurous, share some of your activities.  If you like to be a tomboy, share some of that too!

Being shy is no reason to have to be alone.  As you can see, there are many ways for a shy girl to get noticed by men.  Just believe in yourself, consider adding a few enhancements to your look and watch the magic happen.  Who knows, you may be looking at attracting one guy into your life and get the attention of several others!  Have fun!

Financial Matrimony: How Much Debt Would You Be Willing to Accept?

Remember when dating was simple.  All a guy had to do was pass you a greasy napkin asking whether you liked him.  You had the option to check “Yes” or “No” and depending on your response that could be the start of a great romance.  Nowadays, dating and relationships have become much more of a risky investment. 

No longer do I hear my single girlfriends talk about finding their “knight in shining armor”, rather they’re talking about how much debt this guy is going to bring to the table.  They definitely have a reason to be concerned since it isn’t at all unlikely they will date and marry someone who has been married multiple times and/or has children from a previous marriage.  You’re also looking at singles that have outstanding loans from school, mortgage, car note, credit cards, judgment liens or even bankruptcy. 

Issues with money are usually rooted from childhood.  Parents tend to be very influential in how the child perceives managing the money in that household.  If budgeting and saving money techniques are taught in the household, the child will use such techniques in their adult life.  If money is seen as the “root of all evil”, this negative perception will follow them accordingly.

There’s also a psychological element to money.  People use money as a tool or means to alleviate any negative emotions.  For example, when a woman goes through a divorce, she may pull out her credit card and engage in compulsive shopping as a means to avoid the pain of the divorce.  On the other hand, a man may use his money to attract lots of women to avoid feeling lonely.  There’s always an emotion or feeling associated with spending money and that feeling dictates how much or how little of the money will be spent.  When those feelings involve a love relationship, particularly one associated with a negative experience, the money may be spent unwisely.

People that have high outstanding debt are generally ashamed that they are in this position in the first place.  They feel really guilty about having to carry it into their new relationship.  If the person with the debt can acknowledge their faults and take responsibility for their past actions, the person will work hard to pay off all amounts that are due.  On the other hand, if the person cannot readily accept their role in the situation and/or refuses to take any ownership of it, it may be time to re-evaluate the relationship.

Overall, when you’re planning to spend the rest of your life together with that special someone, you’ll need to determine whether you can accept their past debt or whether it is better for you to move on from the situation.  A person with a high amount of debt could have hundreds of thousands of dollars to pay back to a creditor or lending agency which could take several years just to pay down the interest.  It could affect you as a couple when buying a house, a car, or when your spouse applies for a job.  Even the simple luxuries that couples enjoy such as travelling together or just going out to a movie would have to be negotiated as the person may not be able to afford to go.  Just remember that you are accepting the person and their debt as a complete package deal. 

If you do decide to accept this person into your life for the long term, try not to judge them on their past spending habits but be supportive of them in their journey ahead.  This certainly isn’t an easy task for them but having you as their trusted partner will make the journey easier.  Helping the person overcome their past debt can lead to tremendous growth and healing and a greater understanding achieved.

A Woman’s Perceived Power over Men

Ladies…Do you have the Power in your Relationship?

There’s usually always one person in a relationship that appears to have the power while the other one has to make a few adjustments.  It’s certainly not to say the two people in the relationship don’t equally love each other, it’s just that one person may have some type of power over the other one.  I like to term this “Perceived Power” or when one person perceives the other as having the power in that relationship and it is clear to both parties involved.  Power comes in many shapes and forms including beauty, high income, having a college degree, or brings no “baggage” to that relationship, just to name a few. 

I coach mainly women in my business and I try to teach them to have confidence in their dating lifestyles.  This gives them the power they need to date successfully.  They’re able to raise their standards to where they want them to be and negotiate their needs and desires with the other person accordingly.  I do believe the power must rest with the woman.  I’ve seen too many times how a man in a relationship has the power over the woman and he uses it to abuse her or the relationship ends abruptly.  There’s just something about a confident woman in a relationship that men consider to be sexy and there lies her power. 

When a woman has the power in a relationship, she is able to have negotiating room to get what she wants in that relationship.  This includes, but is not limited to, flowers “just because”, consistent phone calls and dates, constant reminders of how much he loves her, and a general feeling of safety and security in that relationship.  As a matter of fact, those women that I have seen to have power in the relationship seem to have all of these factors and much more.  When a woman does not have the power in the relationship, I’ve seen the opposite happen whether it is inconsistent phone calls/dates, feelings of inadequacy, feelings of being lost in that relationship, and a sense that the relationship is going nowhere fast.  This is why it is so important for a woman to have the power as opposed to the man in a relationship.

Generally, men that have brought what we term “baggage” to the relationship will allow a woman negotiating room in that relationship.  This includes, but is not limited to, kids from a prior relationship, ex-spouses, less income, criminal past, blue collar background or non-degreed, feelings of un-attractiveness, etc.  These types of men know that a good woman is hard to find that will be able to deal with his prior issues and will negotiate with her a little more to be able to convince her to choose him over the other competitors.  She, of course, having the “perceived power” knows this and is able to demand more for her time and effort with him.  If he can convince her that he can make her happy, despite his previous misfortunes, then she may allow the relationship to grow and prosper accordingly.  If not, she will quickly move on to someone else.  One caveat is if she has brought the same issues into the relationship, then this would create a more balanced effect. 

I’ve seen countless times where a professional woman will date a man who brings a few “bags” to the relationship but he has been able to make her happy in other areas.  For example, he makes her laugh and treats her like a queen.  She just simply could not refuse the deal.  And some women will purposely only date these types of men simply because she knows there is room for negotiation.  Guys without “baggage” or prior issues may not be so willing to negotiate making the relationship difficult to sustain for her.

A woman’s perceived power in a relationship greatly depends on her confidence in that relationship and how the man in that relationship perceives it.  If she has the confidence to walk away at a moment’s notice when he does not live up to her standards or ideals, then she has the “perceived power”.  Consistent dates and phone calls are just a few of the gifts she is rewarded in return.  Men who bring “baggage” to the relationship will have less power in that relationship and be more willing to negotiate with her to fulfill her standards and expectations.  This type of power does not have to be a bad thing and when both parties involved come to the relationship with the common goal of love and long term commitment, they may be able to live a long and happy life together.

2013 Matchmaker's Conference in New York, NY

I got the chance to meet Dating and Relationship author and expert Rachel Greenwald at the 2013 Matchmaker’s Conference in New York.  Her books include “Have Him at Hello:  Confessions from 1,000 Guys About What Makes Them Fall in Love…Or Never Call Back and “Find a Husband After 35: (Using What I Learned at Harvard Business School). I actually have to read them again because it’s been so long:).  It was a great event and I can’t wait to share the information with all of you at one of the upcoming workshops

Delusional Love

We all love the idea of meeting our “perfect person” or our “soul mate”.  You envision this person in your mind and how the two of you are just so perfect together.  You were destined to be with him.  And we all sing and dance joyfully at your wedding.  But you forgot one thing….he has to like you first!  I know I’ve had times where I’ve been so caught up in the romance of being with someone that I totally forgot he has to be interested!  Or on the other hand, the ideal, perfect person that you imagined at the wedding has now started to reveal his real self to you which does not measure up to those ideals.

People that tend to be delusional in love tend to exhibit a few interesting qualities.  They tend to be very dreamy-life.  They believe in unconditional love with all their heart.  These people would probably give you the shirt off their backs (literally!).  We love them for those great inner qualities as they make us want to be more spiritual people.  We need more people in this world like them.  However, it is very difficult for them to accept relationships for what they truly are. 

In the book, "The Rules" by Ellen Fein and Sherrie Schneider, they write a great chapter on “Fantasy Relationships”.  I discovered fantasy relationships for the first time when I read that chapter.  Fantasy relationships are with people you would like to have a relationship with but who may not know you exist, at least not in that way.  The Rules authors provide great illustrations of how this can occur.  For example, your cute tax accountant calls to remind you of your tax forms but you think he calls to ask you out on a date.  Only if he literally asks you out on a date can it be considered anything other than a purely professional relationship.  It’s better to wait for him to make the initial move.  That way you’ll know it’s the real thing.

Now that we’ve covered fantasy relationships, let’s talk about being delusional with our partners in a real relationship.

People who may be delusional in love tend to have the notion that a better relationship will always come along.  There’s a sentiment with these people that there is this “perfect ideal” love out there somewhere “over the rainbow.”  The pattern that follows for these people is that they finally find this perfect ideal partner.  Everything starts off wonderfully in a state of total bliss.  After a few months, you meet the real person.  They left their dirty socks on the floor and that is totally unacceptable to them!  The disappointments and disillusions occur.  The person can no longer fulfill their high expectations.  Pretty soon, the harp and violin stops playing…those perfect ideals become lost…and the relationship ends abruptly.  Their partner could never live up to their expectations and the same ideals they created for their partner in their head are the same ideals they are using to measure and evaluate them!

We all have our own ideas of the perfect person and may even be a bit delusional about it.  There’s nothing wrong with having a vision of who you want for your mate but try to focus more on the core qualities you are looking for in a mate.  And be open to whatever package that comes in for you.  As human beings, we can never be perfect people and we all come with lessons to be learned. 

One tip I would offer if this article is related to you personally is to try to use those imaginative qualities more creatively in your personal life.  Brainstorm ways you could use those qualities for yourself so that you don’t project them on others who may not be able to fulfill those ideals.  Or find ways to meet people who are very dreamy and imaginative-like as you are and the two of you can create interesting hobbies together!

Giving Up on Love

Dating can ultimately be an extremely tiring, mental, and emotional process for most of us requiring enormous amounts of energy just to go on one date for a few hours.  Now multiply those hours by the number of dates you go on in one year and that’s enough to make anyone cynical about love.  Throughout my travels, I run into women all the time that have expressed their frustration with finding love and have completely given up hope on ever finding love and long term partnership.  It’s an interesting thing because the majority of these women are really looking to have a great partner in their lives.  I often wonder how many of those same women would be giving up if they knew their blessings were right around the corner?

This is generally how the story goes in our lives.  You go on multiple dates, either a blind date set up by a friend or using one of the popular online dating sites.  Some of the dates you like, some of the dates you don’t like and some just leave you scratching your head.  If you go on enough of these dates, you start to have a jaded outlook on dating.  Eventually, you either take a “break” or drop out of the dating scene altogether.  None of which will get you closer to your goal. 

When we become disillusioned, we also go into our little shells for protection.  The shells represent our little worlds of peace.  The shell could be anything from working excessively to using substances such as drugs or alcohol as a way to escape.  The problem with shells is that you can get so entrenched into this little world that when someone worthy of dating you comes along, he won’t be able to find you, and of course you’re so caught up in your little world that you don’t even know it’s him.

I believe one of our greatest gifts in life is to be able to give and receive love.  It’s also where our greatest challenges and lessons are in life.  Your partner provides you with companionship, an opportunity for growth, and someone in which to raise a family if that’s your choice.  I don’t believe people want to give up on love but just need tools and techniques to get their engines running again.

Here are some tips for those of you in which this article has resonated and that are frustrated with love and dating.

·         Prayer and Meditation – I start with prayer and meditation because this process can be draining but if you can put your faith in a higher power you may feel a little less overwhelmed.

·         Re-establish your confidence – you have a lot to offer a guy in a relationship and any man would love to be with you.  In the book by Ellen Fein and Sherrie Schneider, "The Rules", they have coined the term "Creature Unlike Any Other" to reflect how a woman should act around men.  Know that you are unique and one of a kind.  If not him, then the next one!

·         Attitude check – Having a warm, positive, friendly attitude is everything.  Men really gravitate to women who exhibit those qualities.  There’s always something positive about life even when life gets tough.  If you are healthy and have a roof over your head, that’s something to smile about!

·         Meet Men! – Okay I know you’re probably thinking…duh!  Yes, but for those of you “hiding out”…this statement needs to be repeated.  Men are everywhere and you should be meeting them.  I’m going to post a separate topic on this subject but for now..I’ll give you an example.  If you travel a lot...check out the local airport hotel bars or restaurants…or where people hang out near the train station…there’s probably singles there relaxing before they take a connecting flight or train ride to their next destination…

·         Be clear with your intentions – Know what you’re looking for!  If you ask for anything, you’ll get anything!  Have an idea of the type of man that you could be attracted to.  Make a list of 5 qualities you value and would like to have in your mate.  Think about what your boundaries are for anyone that comes into your life that does not have those qualities.

·         Dress the part – As mentioned in the Rules book, I can’t stress enough the importance of looking great on the date.  Even if the guy turns out to be a real loser, you still got dressed, looked great, and turned heads which boosted your overall confidence.  You could chalk it up to practice until you meet the real deal.

·         Date with ease – It’s just a date.  Try to relax on the date and get to know the guy.  Let him impress you.  Remember the way he treats you on a date is how he’ll treat you in marriage.

·         Go slow with sex! – I don’t know how many times I’ve seen a great relationship go sour after sex.  Personally, I consider this to be an intimate affair so I don’t really like discussing timelines or celibacy.  I will say that having sex too early in the relationship can result in what I term the “power shift” so it’s worth it to really get to know the guy you’re about to have sex with…I’m going to do a separate topic on this subject…stay tuned!!

I have not met a single person who does not want to find love and enjoy all the benefits that come with a great relationship.  Dating is a process we use to get to know someone before we commit in a marriage or long term partnership.  It can become overwhelming at times but we’re learning to become more discerning in finding the right type of mate who will fit into our lives.  Anything worth having is something you may have to work hard for.  If we become more isolated and go into our shells, then we won’t be able to see who’s out there for us.  We miss our blessing and wonder why we haven’t met him yetl  There’s no set rule for dating that will produce the “golden egg” but we do have helpful tips and Rules that should get us past the initial stages.  If we follow those helpful rules, learn to be more patient, and put our faith and trust in God, then we should be able to reach our goals with ease.

Welcome!

Let me introduce myself to those of you who are not familiar with me or re-introduce myself to those of you who know me from the meetup groups or are one of my clients!  My name is Monique and I am a Dating and Relationship coach.  I am certified in Dating and Relationship Coaching as well as in Life Coaching.  This blog is just an extension of my business (www.liveloveaspire.com) as I wanted a way to stay connected to my members and clients.  I am so excited about this blog and I hope you are too!  I will try (wink wink!) to update it at least monthly or quarterly with dating and relationship tips and guidance that I think are essential in our dating journey.  I will also provide astrological counseling as this is one of the services I hope to offer this summer!  My hope with this blog is that I can state a word or two that helps you to gain a different perspective, inspire you to pursure your dreams, or just empower you to make better decisions for your life.  They say the journey isn't easy but it's well worth the reward.  Let's go on this journey together!