How To Maintain Your “Femme Fatale” While In Uniform

Men love women in uniform…but not if she acts and looks like a dude in it!

Men have long thought women in uniform to be sexy especially with the possibility of her toting a gun on her side (think Mr. and Mrs. Smith!).  Even the idea of her giving orders in an authoritarian way can present images to them of what she’s like in the bedroom!  However, many women that I have spoken to are not quite as bold and dramatic as that type of woman.  As a matter of fact, the ones I encounter want to exhibit more of their femininity or their softer side and express themselves more fully as women which they cannot do in their societal roles.

Specifically, I am referring to women in the military, police and fire departments, security guards, and other male dominated occupations.  Understandably, most of these occupations prohibit women from wearing what can be perceived as feminine clothing such as dresses or skirts, high heels and anything that could prevent them from doing their job well.  They want them to be the best at their jobs, especially when they are out saving people’s lives.  The thought is that how effective can you be when someone’s life is on the line while you’re fixing your skirt?

Now most of these women love their jobs or they wouldn’t have signed up for it.  For example, society doesn’t require women to join the military and she can leave when her time is up.  But they are passionate about what they do and can’t fathom leaving their careers.  They are the forgotten ones for whom society deems as heroes.  Their contributions to our society are enormous and they are the reason why we live freely and safe in our communities.  We appreciate them for all they do for us.

But working in these occupations comes at a price.  Eventually, they start to assume masculine traits prominent in those roles.  Police officers have to be decisive, authoritarian and dominant to be able to lead people to safety.  Have you ever heard of an indecisive police officer?  Military leaders have to be firm when giving orders to subordinates.  If you’re too soft spoken, you may lose respect of your command.  All of these traits play a factor in moving up the ranks in those careers.

So what’s a woman to do when she wants to maintain her position but still be viewed as a feminine woman?  Well, I’ve come up with a few helpful tips and guidance that may help you to maintain your “femme fatale.”

1.       Take note of your best feminine assets – Every woman is blessed with assets which are attractive to men.  Whether it is your bodacious bust, beautiful eyes, long lean legs, or beautiful lips.  Think about what men compliment you on the most when you are with them.  When you have identified your best assets, think about how you can enhance those assets to make them more noticeable to the opposite sex.  For example, if you have long legs and it is appropriate to wear skirts to work, try wearing more of them so men notice them more.  If you have beautiful lips, why not try wearing a really nice lip stick shade to bring more attention to them.  Hopefully, you get the point here.  You want to find your best features and make them shine appropriately.

2.       Include as many feminine elements to your wardrobe as possible, but still within the confines of what is appropriate in your role – This may be a challenge since most of these male oriented occupations have strict policies and procedures.  But I want you to try to “think outside the box”.  For example, if your job allows you to wear earrings and you do not wear them, start including them as part of your daily wardrobe.  It’s simple but it’s a start!  If you’re not a woman who wears make-up, try buying neutral shades of make-up which will give you a subtle, yet noticeable difference in your appearance.  Think about the shoes you wear.  Are they normally run down or worse, manly?  Consider finding shoes that are a bit more feminine (e.g., low heel, beautiful style, color, etc.).  Again, you’ll still have to abide by the rules yet be more creative to allow your femininity to shine.

3.       Maintain a beautiful hair-do and soft skin – I believe this may be an area where you have a little bit more flexibility.  Normally, these organizations are more lenient to a woman’s hair as long as it is neat and clean.  So why not try out a few hairstyles that work with your face.  I would seek out a great hairdresser for guidance on which cuts and styles make you look fabulous.  And always, have great hair.  Men love women with great hair so this should always be your staple for expressing your femininity.  Men know when a woman starts letting herself go, it’s usually apparent in her hair.

 

Also, we can’t forget about good skin care.  I think we’re all guilty of not maintaining our skin.  But men love soft skin.  And when you’re in a male dominated occupation, you’re probably using your hands a lot which can cause callouses or cause you to have manly hands.  Using the proper nourishing ingredients for your skin is crucial for you.  Make lotions, oils, astringents, cleansing scrubs a part of your daily routine.

4.       Pay attention to the sound of your voice – Men love the sound of a woman’s voice.  But, this is wear it gets tricky!  Police officers and military women have to be able to project their voice at times to maintain authority.  However, think about how you are using your voice.  If you have developed a trait of speaking too loudly at people, try to soften it while still making your point.  You can actually be soft spoken and people hear you if you are being articulate.  Record your voice to hear what it sounds like to other people.  Is it too abrasive?  Is it too deep?  If you were a man, would you be attracted to this person.  This will give you a chance to hear what other people hear when you speak to them.

5.       Pay attention to your movements – Okay, this is getting easier!  Most of the women I’ve observed in the military have developed an authoritarian walk, either by necessity or by being with men 24/7.  Observe yourself in a long mirror as you walk.  Would your walk be perceived as feminine?  You may even want to ask some of your best male friends how they perceive your walk?  Are they afraid of you when you walk (in a not so good way!)?  If so, try to change it.  You want to learn how to move with your hips.  Masculine walk is more mechanical-like where feminine walk is more of a glide.  It may be helpful to take yoga or dance classes to become more flexible and more in tune with your body.

6.       Maintain a pleasant attitude at all times – No one can control how pleasant you are towards other people.  There are no strict policies and procedures here.  As a matter of fact, it’s probably just the opposite.  The more pleasant you are, the better your chances of building stronger networks in your career and attracting men!  There is no better way to be feminine than maintaining a pleasant attitude.  Even if you’re in a masculine occupation, you can still shine as a woman by being pleasant towards other people.  If the job has made you a bitter, cynical person, change this persona immediately!  Think about things that make you grateful, like the lives you save and the people who need your help. 

In short, just because you wear a uniform does not mean you have to be a man in it.  You were hired as a woman so why not express yourself as one.  There are many ways to maintain your femininity such as identifying and enhancing your best feminine assets, including feminine elements in your total look, maintaining your hair and skin care regimen, paying attention to your voice and movements and just being pleasant to be around.  These are all ways you can still be feminine in your masculine role.  The bonus is that they are all ways to be attractive to men too!  Men secretly love this about us!  But most importantly, you’re being true to yourself and that’s the part that counts!

Good Luck!

For more helpful dating tips, please check out my website at www.liveloveaspire.blogspot.com or you may inquire about my dating/relationship coaching services at www.liveloveaspire.com.

Long Hair Don’t Care…Think Again!

Is the length of your hair keeping you single?

Who could ever forget the actress Keri Russell (aka Felicity) and those lovely, long curly tresses as she played a “doey-eyed” freshman in college?  People didn’t just fall in love with her child-like innocence about love all while balancing the transition between leaving home and finding herself.  They fell in love with her hair.  Sure, we made the best of the new Felicity when she made the bold move of chopping it all off but just like her hair, viewers made a move of their own.  They stopped watching.  Yikes! 

Well, it’s safe to say Hollywood has learned from this cautionary tale.  I heard soon after this episode played out in real life they started writing contracts to actors and actresses which included how they should treat their hair.  But I’m sure both actors and especially actresses already knew the deal.  Your hair is an asset.  Even Nicole Kidman, who was featured on a Chanel No. 5 commercial with her golden tresses strolling down the red carpet, has yet to cut all her hair off as she knows how important it is to her career.

No offense to the feminists who burned their bra so we as women could be “free” but we as women know intrinsically that hair helps us score a few brownie points with the guys.  Even a “plain Jane” can be considered beautiful if she knows the right shampoo and conditioner to add volume and/or length to her hair mane.  Men have consistently voted hair as one of the top physical qualities they look for in a woman and I don’t see that changing anytime soon.

Why do men love long hair?  Aren’t we living in the millennium?  Well, yes but some things remain the same.  Men still have the image of the sexual goddess in the bedroom with her hair all disheveled after sex.  They still have the image of being able to pull on it or play with it, even if this simply isn’t true.  And for some of us, we are certainly not trying to have someone play in our hair once we just returned home from a visit to the hair stylist!

Below I’ve listed a few questions I get from my clients and tips I’ve offered to them regarding their hair:

1.       What should be my hair length? – Typically, I usually advise clients to grow their hair at least shoulder or neck length, if not longer.  The longer the better when you’re trying to attract men.  There’s a lot of styles you can wear from that length so you can switch it up occasionally if you get bored with one style.  There’s also hair pieces and extensions you can wear until your hair grows.  Don’t be afraid to experiment.

2.       What should I do about ethnic hair? - As an African American woman myself, I’ve had my hair curly, straightened, and even braided but I don’t receive nearly as much attention as I receive when it is long and straight.  Sure, guys think I’m cute when it’s curly but the courtship tends to end right there.  Although, I’ll admit I’ve seen some women with big, beautiful Afros that could put us long, hair sisters to shame. 

3.       Should older women wear their hair long? – Absolutely!  Men are men regardless of their age.  Older men still view women from the same eye with the exception that they are now looking for other, deeper qualities in a woman along with great hair.  Throw out the notion that you need to cut your hair once you are of a certain age.  It’s yesterday’s news!  Just make sure your hair is long and healthy.  As we grow older, our hairlines may start to thin and even recede at the crown of our head.  If you have to make a choice between length and volume, go for a classic style with a little body to complete the look.

4.       Does the color of your hair matter? – Yes!  My hairstylist wears some amazing colors everything from auburn to a bright, golden blonde in her hair.  However, everyone cannot wear those colors, including me!  I would check with a hairstylist who will be able to advise you on a great color for your hair.  However, I would stay away from unusual hair colors like purple or orange.  You want to attract men, not scare them away!  And if you are a mature woman of a certain age who has grey hair, don’t be afraid to wear it naturally.  I’ve seen some women who incorporate their grey hair right into their hair style and it looks wonderful.  Whereas others try to hide their grey, they embrace it!

So is the length of your hair keeping you single?  Well, maybe.  A “plain Jane” would certainly garner much more attention if she decided to add to the length of it.  And a woman over 30 who has no marriage proposals may suddenly become popular in the marriage arena once she decides to “let down her hair”.  Listen, I didn’t make the rules.  I just work with them.  If hair is what men like on us, why not let them have their way.  I like to make love, not war!  It’s a small price to pay for all the work they’ll have to do to keep us!

Good Luck!

For more helpful dating tips, please check out my website at www.liveloveaspire.blogspot.com or you may inquire about my dating/relationship coaching services at www.liveloveaspire.com.

If you happen to live in the Baltimore-DC metro area, please do inquire about my upcoming workshops.  The next workshop series will be held on Sept 13^th in Columbia, Maryland.  If interested, please email us at info@liveloveaspire.com. 

Should You Quit Your Job To Find Love?

Is Sacrificing Your Love Life For Your Career Really Worth it?  Let’s explore…

Let’s face it.  You’re single, over 35, and yearn to have a family of your own someday.  You start to feel guilty because you’ve worked so hard in college to get a top notch career only to find that this life isn’t quite what you wanted.  You’re lonely and the career doesn’t quite meet that need.  You know you’re perfectly happy being single but also know how much better it would be to find someone special.  Well, you’re not alone in your thoughts.  A lot of women are pondering this same issue.  Is this career really worth it?

When we look back in history, women have always been on the forefront making major contributions to society.  They have obtained a wide range of degrees lending their abilities to the areas of medicine, technology, education and business just to name a few.  They have even exceeded all expectations of graduating college and succeeded men in attendance at many of these colleges and universities.  It is no wonder that women nowadays are leading corporations.  Even men marvel at the wonders of women and their strength to succeed despite any obstacles.

But let’s not kid ourselves.  With all of this advancement comes sacrifice.  You sacrifice your love life for your career advancement.  Its fine when you’re younger but it comes at a price later on in life.  At first, you work endlessly to get the corner office.  Then you become the “employee of the month” and your boss can’t stop bragging about you.  You are the star of the show. 

Yet, you still come home to an empty house.  Only your cats can enjoy your well framed certificates hanging on the wall to signify all your hard work.  Your boss goes home to his wife and your administrative assistant could hardly care less about the job other than to support her kids.  They all have lives outside of the job.  They secretly pity you but enjoy reaping the benefits of your tireless efforts of working overtime or on the weekends to help “save the company”.

Now as depressing as this may sound, I don’t advocate quitting your job to find love (at least not right away!).  I would never advocate leaving a job but I’ve seen some women working countless hours at work only to come home to the comfort of their cats. 

So for those of you on the verge of either quitting your job to find love or buying new litter boxes for additional “family” members, I’ve listed a few points below to get you thinking in the right direction.

1.       What do you really want out of life?  It’s important for you to be clear on where you are right now and where you’re trying to go.  You are creating a blueprint for the direction of your life.  Visualize your life 10 years from now and what would make you happy.  This will help you to identify a path to leaving your job if that’s appropriate for you.

2.       What are the major obstacles stopping you from getting the love you want?  Maybe it’s not the job but how you manage the job that is stopping you from achieving your dreams.  Is it possible for you to re-arrange your schedule to be able to leave work at an appropriate time?  Is there a flexible working schedule that would be more appropriate for you?  How is my time management in general?  Do I feel it necessary to work weekends to cover up my sense of feeling lonely?  If quitting the job is not feasible, why not try online dating or hire a matchmaker to help you find the love you want?  These are just a few starter questions to ask yourself to uncover the real obstacles preventing you from finding love.

3.       How will my finances be affected if I am to quit my job?  This is a big one.  Leaving a job without having another one can really wreak havoc on your finances.  It’s still not that easy out there to find a job.  If you decide that the job is really the main cause of turmoil in your love life, then you’ll need to think about how you’ll be able to survive without having that source of income.

4.       Make an action plan NOW!  It’s far too complicated to just quit your job.  You need a plan of action.  Start saving your money and see how much it would take to live off of it for at least a year.  Taking a year off of work will give you a chance to breathe without the stresses of work obligations freeing you to meet people more easily.  Try to pay off your long term bills and debt so they’re not looming over your head.  This process isn’t easy but if this is your decision, make sure your plans are air-tight.

Finding love is one of the most challenging things in life, especially when you’re working long hours and weekends not having any time to find someone.  However, it is the most rewarding too.  Develop a plan of action and make it a priority.  In my line of work, I’ve seen people work themselves almost into the grave only to then discover the true meaning of life.  When I advise my clients about their work habits, I have to sadly remind them that all of their accolades won’t be written on their tombstone, their position can always be replaced and their co-workers may or may not be in attendance at their funeral, but your family, friends and loved ones will be there every time.  They can’t replace you, even if they tried.   

Food For Thought!

For more helpful dating tips, please check out my website at www.liveloveaspire.blogspot.com or you may inquire about my dating/relationship coaching services at www.liveloveaspire.com.

If you happen to live in the Baltimore-DC metro area, please do inquire about my upcoming workshops.  The next workshop series will be held on June 21^st in Columbia, Maryland.  If interested, please email us at info@liveloveaspire.com. 

Why Mate Guarding Makes Me Uneasy....

Seductive or Neurotic….

I love my sweetheart but he gets very protective of me with the prospect of other “sperm” nearby.  I see him turn into one of those apes in the jungle beating his chest whenever his woman is being hunted by another male.  To make matters worse, he has very intense eyes like an alpha male and will stalk another man in a minute if he thinks there is a possibility of him stealing his prey-me!

First, let’s define mate guarding.  Wikipedia defines mate guarding as “defensive behavioral trait that occurs in response to sperm competition; males try to prevent other males from approaching the female (and/or vice versa) thus preventing their mate from engaging in further copulations.”  Doesn’t that make you feel all woozy inside?  No wonder we females feel like a piece of meat.  That’s because we are!

Well, for me, it usually starts as an innocent smile or nod given by a guy I just met.  In return, I give him a meaningless smile back so I don’t come across as pretentious or worse, downright mean.  My sweetheart will see this exchange of gestures and will hunt the guy down with his intense eyes and broad chest to show who’s in charge until the guy doesn’t have any further interest in me.  Now just to make sure that the other guys in the room know whose woman I am-he gives them a stern look too!  And then when he’s won the battle, he looks back at me, smiles with his eyes, goes to his corner and rests. 

Now most women would be thrilled to have their man be protective over them.  But I get too embarrassed by the whole thing, particularly when I’m standing there watching him do it.  I start sweating profusely, my emotions become fully aroused, and I feel like I either want to pass out or have an orgasm!  On one hand, it makes me feel like I want to grab him and kiss him.  And on the other hand, I want to go run and hide out with the other little women until the battle is over between him and the other male apes. 

I’ll admit that at the end of the day I always feel special when he becomes so jealous over me with other men.  And it does seem to stimulate my senses to see two men who have nothing in common with each other “battle it out” to protect their prey.  I laugh when I think about how civilized and intellectual we are as human beings yet so primal in our biological responses to our environmental influences.  As women, we still want the “knight in shining armor” and men still want to protect their “damsel in distress”.  Men still like to pursue their prey and women still like this pursuit. 

I guess as a woman I’ll never fully grasp the concept of mate guarding and why, for years, men have resorted to this tactic whenever they feel threatened.  And of course, as you can tell, I’ll probably always have mixed emotions when it comes to them protecting any disruption to their “copulation”.  Still, there is something sexy and seductive about a man who will wage war against his competition and come out on top.  So maybe my uneasiness is in the seduction that it brings which is not really a bad thing!  Wink-Wink!

Good Luck!

For more helpful dating tips, please check out my website at www.liveloveaspire.blogspot.com or you may inquire about my dating/relationship coaching services at www.liveloveaspire.com.

If you happen to live in the Baltimore-DC metro area, please do inquire about my upcoming workshops.  The next workshop series is called “The Art of Femininity and Seduction” to be held on June 21^st in Maryland.  Please email us at info@liveloveaspire.com. 

The Art of Femininity and Seduction Workshop Series

 

Looking to enhance your femininity to catch the eye of that special someone?  Or maybe you just want to add the spark back into your relationship?  Well, this workshop is just for you.  First, we’ll teach you how to fully express yourself as a feminine woman so you begin to feel great about who you are as a woman.  Then we’ll go into our tips and secrets on how to attract a quality man into your life using your feminine wiles.  Finally, we’ll teach you how to have him so captivated with you that he will never want to leave home!  Doesn’t that sound great!  Don’t hesitate!  Please RSVP today with us!

https://www.eventbrite.com/e/the-art-of-femininity-and-seduction-tickets-11651155921

Battle of the Sexes….Or Is It?

You say I love you hoping he’ll say it back….then he goes and washes the dishes!

As if you didn’t already know it, men and women are completely different from us when it comes to relationships.  I know as women we wish this weren’t the case but the reality is that they are quite different.  This may actually be a good thing.  How would you like to date yourself?  Exactly my point.  Let’s explore more in depth how they are different and how we can bring both sexes together to embrace these differences.

Women are very nurturing and caring people.  We are blessed with these abilities to be able to raise and take care of our children.  From the moment a woman is pregnant with her baby, her nurturing instincts start to kick in for her child.  Or even if a woman isn’t interested in having children, she will usually put that energy into her family or personal relationships.  There’s just some things that I believe women are much better at doing although I do acknowledge the efforts of modern day men who have come full circle in embracing their feminine, nurturing side as well.

It’s not to say men aren’t very nurturing and caring people too but it’s usually not their main motivation or goal in life.  They go through life wanting to win battles, slay dragons, and save the damsel in distress.  They feel fulfilled when they are out solving problems or taking care of the household financially.  Even to the point of fixing things around the house so the family can live better.  That’s how they show their love.  They try to make it easier for the women they love the most in their lives and the family they cherish.  The only catch is they don’t always communicate what they are doing and why they are doing it causing women to feel frustrated. 

On the other hand, women want better communication with men.  They want to talk about their feelings.  They want to hear men say “I love you” or “I need you”.  But men say this with their actions.  And that’s why there is such a “battle of the sexes”.  We really do love each other but we have to find an “intersection” in our communication styles where we can hear what the other person is saying in their native tongue.

But let’s try this.  The next time your man does something as simple as opening the door for you or maybe more complex as changing the oil in your car so you can get to work, show him you appreciate him by saying something as simple as “thank you baby”.  Seriously.  It’s really that easy.  He’s saying I love you enough to do this for you.  You’re saying I love you enough to say thank you and appreciate you for being the man in my life.  Believe me….he’ll thank you later for it!

Now I do realize that the battle of the sexes is far more complex than I’ve just described but it has to start somewhere.  And interestingly enough, when men are appreciated for the little things they’ve done, they’ll not only start showing you how much they care more but also begin communicating their feelings as well.  It’s always amazing how much more open men feel to express their feelings when a woman has done her part to help him feel at ease around her.

I should also mention that this works in the reverse as well.  If your man does nothing for you and you are wondering whether he still cares or is interested in you, you should be taking notes.  This isn’t a good sign.  Again, men speak through their actions.  If his actions are telling you he isn’t interested anymore, that may be your cue to move on or change the course of direction in your relationship. 

To recap, the battle of the sexes will always be around as long as we fail to ignore the differences between men and women.  We as women love to communicate our feelings but need to be mindful of the fact that men are different from us and communicate their feelings through their actions.  If he isn’t showing you he cares, then he probably doesn’t.  On the other hand, if he is showing you he cares every chance he gets, he’s a keeper.  And if you play your cards right, you’ll get to keep him for life.

Good Luck!

For more helpful dating tips, please check out my website at www.liveloveaspire.blogspot.com or you may inquire about my dating/relationship coaching services at www.liveloveaspire.com.

It’s Here!  My New Book:  Live Love Aspire:  Learn How To Live Your Best Life And Find The Love Of Your Dreams

The Dance of the Courtship

He took the lead….and she happily followed!

He sees this beautiful woman standing in a crowded café waiting to get served.  He approaches her with the anticipation of a school boy hoping she will go out with him or at least give him a few minutes of her time.  Finally, he takes a breath and asks for her name.  Demurely, she looks at him, smiles and it feels like time has stopped in its tracks.  Everyone in the café seems to disappear as they stand staring into each other’s eyes and awakening each other’s hearts.

The courtship process is full of twists and turns while two people dance to the same rhythmic beat.  The start of the romance is the happiest, most exciting time when the couple anticipates the pleasure of being with the other person.  Physically, our hormones become activated signaling the mating process and emotionally our hearts become enmeshed with the other person. There is just this great adrenaline rush that comes over us that we tend to forget about everything else in life.  If you’ve ever been in love and seen two people in love, then you know that life becomes much more interesting during this time.

Most of us love the courtship, particularly when the romance is enriching and fulfilling for our lives. However, we just don’t know how to finely “walk the tightrope” so that we don’t overwhelm and annoy the other person.  Courtship is a dance that has to be carefully maneuvered at every turn.  Every move counts.  Every gesture made and every word spoken has an implication for the dance.  Our partner has to respond in kind or else the courtship dies.  It takes two to tango and if one person becomes uninterested, then the courtship is over.  And this is where most of us get stuck.

Courting, in and of itself, should be a very natural process for us.  I believe we have made this dance very complex by not following the rules and protocols already set up for our success by nature (or grandma!).  We’ve tried to take control over our partner’s life to get them to do what we want them to do which never really works!  We begin the dance as a couple and end it with one partner screaming in the other partner’s ear telling them what to do and wonder where our romance has gone. 

However, when we allow the process to work naturally taking care to respect and understand the other person’s feelings whether we like them or not, the dance always seems to work out in our favor.  Our partners feel free to be themselves and we get to have a partner fully committed to us.  We get to maintain our own sense of independence in our dance and allow our partners to do the same making our dance more enjoyable.  How cool is that?

In short, courtship can be one of the most enjoyable experiences when we give our partners the respect they deserve from us.  We allow them the space to dance and make their own decisions whether to respond to our moves or choose another dance partner.  And we allow ourselves the chance to maintain our own sense of independence and identity so that no matter what happens throughout the dance, we still come out of it with a greater sense of inspiration and transformation. 

Good Luck!

For more helpful dating tips, please check out my website at www.liveloveaspire.blogspot.com or you may inquire about my dating/relationship coaching services at www.liveloveaspire.com.

It’s Here!  My New Book:  Live Love Aspire:  Learn How To Live Your Best Life And Find The Love Of Your Dreams