“20 Feet”….from Marriage

So close…but yet so far….

I recently watched the 2013 American documentary film “20 Feet From Stardom” featuring Judith Hill, Darlene Love and others which took a look at some of the best background singers in our history and then dives into the question of how one goes from being a background singer to the main star.  It was as heartbreaking as it was entertaining.  You could feel their testimonies of working so hard to be a star only to see their dreams fade in the background along with their careers.  But seeing this movie made me beg the question, what does it truly take to achieve your dreams?  As it pertains to relationships, what does it take for a woman to go from being the bridesmaid (you know always a bridesmaid…never a bride) to a bride?  I’ve pondered this question in depth and hope this will give you a few insights from my perspective.

When some of the big musical legends in the documentary including Bruce Springsteen, Stevie Wonder, Sting and Mick Jagger were interviewed and asked what they thought made someone go from being a background singer to the star, some of them thought it was simply a matter of luck.  Well, I beg to differ.  While, I think luck may have had a little to do with it, I still believe hard work and a will to succeed had much more to do with it than meets the eye.  It takes hard work, dedication and perseverance despite the obstacles to make it in that industry or to fulfill any dream for that matter.

Now, as I sat and thought about those background singers, I thought about the key steps one has to take to be able to achieve success.  You see, I believe that the background singers never made it to the front of the stage because they either didn’t truly see themselves in that role, did not believe it was really possible, didn’t take enough action, or simply didn’t own up to their destiny.  In getting back to the question of why some women achieve their dreams of being a bride and why others just seem destined to be a bridesmaid, it’s really the same thing.  It’s just not enough to want it, you have to own it and believe it can be so without any doubts.  Below I have listed the 5 keys I believe a person should use to achieve their dreams.

1.       See It – If you were married, how would you see yourself?  How would you describe your role as a wife?  How would you feel as a wife?  Where would you be living?  How would you raise your family?  Be specific as possible in your visualizations.  This helps you to walk into that role and bring it into existence.  You have to see it before you can believe it.  Try visualization exercises or use vision boards to help you to see your dreams and make them a reality.    

 

2.       Believe It – The power of belief is a key ingredient in our recipe for success.  Nothing can happen without it.  This is where faith in yourself becomes important.  How strong is your faith?  If you don’t believe this can happen, then no one else will believe it.  Eliminate the negative thoughts telling you this is not possible and replace them with positive ones.  You can use guided meditations until you can believe it in your heart and your soul.

 

3.       Act On It – Let’s say you practice visualization exercises and guided meditations yet don’t take any action.  I would argue you can do all the positive thinking in the world but if you don’t take the necessary steps to having a great relationship, it won’t happen.  Do you need to end a toxic relationship or stop dating a guy who is not meeting your expectations?  Do you need to post your dating profile online or simply go out more to meet people?  Most of us don’t put nearly as much work into doing the things we need to do to achieve our dreams.  Make a list of actions you can take right now to get closer to finding that special someone.  Then….

 

4.       Own It – See yourself in the role of a bride.  Believe in the possibilities.  Take the necessary action.  Then simply own it.  Become responsible for your own success.  Take control of your life.  Find an encouraging partner to help you.  Hire a coach or get a friend who will hold you accountable.  Your destiny is yours for the taking.  Own it!!

 

5.       Repeat – As they say, practice makes perfect.  Let’s be honest.  Following these keys for a day or two is going to do very little.  You have to make this a daily ritual (at least 21 days).  Every morning you get up, you start seeing yourself in the role of a wife.  Every day you look in the mirror, see your husband standing with you at the altar.  You take action whether it be dating in a healthy manner or learning more about yourself in order to be in a great relationship.  Then own it.  Take control of your destiny.  No more excuses.  No limitations.  Your destiny does not belong to other people.  It is in your hands.  Repeat… 

If I were to be asked what could have made these background singers stars, I would have been glad to offer the above 5 keys to success.  And you don’t have to have the desire to be a bride or the lead singer to use these keys, they can apply to any area of your life where you need a little motivation.  Remember, you have to see it, believe it, act on it and own it.  Then repeat.  Soon, you will have climbed the top of the mountain looking back down on it smiling because you will have achieved what others are only dreaming.

Good luck!

For more helpful dating tips, please check out my website at www.liveloveaspire.blogspot.com or you may inquire about my dating/relationship coaching services at www.liveloveaspire.com.

 

 

 

 

The Valentine’s Series…Top Qualities To Get Noticed By Men Now!

 

Part II….Which qualities do men like about me?

For those of you following this series, you’ll recall in my prior blog topic we started this journey focused on your image and style in order to get noticed by men.  We reviewed a few concepts including wearing colors that look good on you, the style of fashion you are most comfortable with, and the style of hair that will drive the fellas wild.  My goal in the first series was to ensure you are projecting a positive image of yourself to others so you can make a great first impression on the guy you would like to attract.

The second part of our series is to be able to identify the specific factors about a woman that gets her noticed.  Through my observations and experiences, there are several factors that each strike a chord in a man’s eye.  They include beauty, talent, friendliness, great poise, fame and other traits.  Some women may have one or two of these elements while others may have all of them.  We’ll discuss them in depth so that you have a better understanding of them and how they can help you get noticed by men.

1.      Beauty – Although we hate to admit it, a beautiful woman will always be attractive to men.  Have you ever noticed how a beautiful woman can walk into a room and capture the attention of every male there without any effort?  And why else do we as women go through such painstaking lengths to enhance our beauty.  If you don’t agree, then go to your local drugstore where there is a whole entire section dedicated to beauty products and cosmetics.  As human beings, we like to look at beautiful people because it makes us feel better about ourselves, particularly when the result of being around a beautiful person is that it draws attention back to us.  Still, as the old saying goes, beauty is only skin deep.  But when it comes to getting noticed by men, beauty will always remain a top contender.

 

2.      Talent/Gift – I’ve seen so many talented singers who may not be all that beautiful but can sing like an angel or musicians who can play like they are in a symphony orchestra.  You may even be considered the best cook in town as judged by your family and friends.  Having a talent is a factor that will get you noticed because it allows you to distinguish yourself and stand out in the crowd, especially among men whom you want to attract.  I also think that you are operating at your very best when you are utilizing your gifts which makes you more attractive to a potential suitor and therefore will get you noticed fairly quickly.

 

3.      Friendliness and Approachability – This is by far the easiest and most well received factor for getting noticed by men.  If you don’t think you’re necessarily the prettiest girl in the room or the most talented, then you can certainly be the most approachable.  I’ve seen a “Plain Jane” girl get noticed by men just for being likeable and friendly with them.  As long as you are confident with yourself, have an open and approachable attitude, you’ll be the center of every man’s attention.  Even a woman considered to be beautiful may get noticed by men but if she has a nasty attitude or look on her face, they may stop right there and never decide to meet her.

 

4.      Great Poise – When I think of great poise, I think of the classic bombshells including Dorothy Dandridge, Marilyn Monroe, Lana Turner or Elizabeth Taylor who never made a movement that didn’t count.  The woman with great poise can stroll across the street and cause accidents to happen.  Every move is carefully (or un-carefully!) planned to receive just the right reaction from a potential suitor.  Whether it is the move of her hips or the arch of her back, she knows how to attract attention and usually gets it!   

 

5.      Fame and Popularity – This is a tough category because not everyone can and will be famous or popular but I would be remiss if I did not mention it in this listing.  When you’re famous, you become someone of distinction and you become a recognizable face in the crowd.  Having fame has the power to open many doors that may not otherwise be opened for the average person.  Some men are drawn to these types of women who have achieved a certain status, fame or popularity because they know these women may be able to help them open doors too.  By the way, you don’t have to be a world renowned star, you can achieve fame right in your own local neighborhood, city or state increasing your chances of getting noticed.

 

6.      Other – I know many of you will wonder why I did not mention intelligence and kind-heartedness.  It is because I believe these are wonderful traits for a woman to possess but they come after the other factors mentioned above.  Unfortunately, no one is going to clearly see these traits when you are in a grocery store, walking with your dog in the park or even dating online unless you meet them in specific venues.  For example, if you want to be noticed by your intelligence, you may want to take classes in a local college where intelligence is recognized and rewarded by your peers.  Or maybe kind-heartedness is your strength and you want a guy to notice this about you.  In this instance, you may want to try to do activities in the community such as becoming more involved in helping out at an animal shelter which is a place where compassion and kind-heartedness towards animals is necessary, thereby increasing your chances that the guy who likes that about you will notice it immediately.

So there you have it!  The top qualities I’ve observed that help women to get noticed by men.  Every woman that I have met has at least one of these factors if not more or the ability to attain them if necessary.  Think about which category men would most likely put you in as to why you may be attractive to them.  Maybe you’re extraordinarily beautiful or exotic looking.  Maybe you’ve been told that you cook like a champion.  Or maybe you’re just a sweet southern belle whose charm, grace and poise is heavenly.  The idea is to develop of sense of what you believe men like about you and strengthen it, thereby getting you noticed and ultimately the date!

Stay tuned for Part III of the series…

Good Luck!

For more helpful dating tips, please check out my website at www.liveloveaspire.blogspot.com or you may inquire about my dating/relationship coaching and astrological counseling/spiritual intuitive services at www.liveloveaspire.com.

The Valentine’s Series…Get Noticed By Men Now!

Part I:  Your Image

I’ve dedicated my heart and soul to those of you ladies who are really good hearted people but can’t quite seem to get noticed or attract men so easily.  I feel your pain.  Well, today’s the day.  No more excuses or complaints.  Your time is now.  Valentine’s Day is coming and I don’t want you home that night.  I want you out and about enjoying yourself.  Let your girlfriends stay home that night.  You’ll tell them all about it once you get back.  But this is your time.  So let’s get to it.  Let’s get you noticed!

The first thing we’ll need to work on is your image.  Let’s not kid ourselves into thinking that men should only look at what’s on the inside of us.  While this may have some merit, people in general make their first impression of you by how you look on the outside.  If you go into the office looking like you just woke up that morning, slippers and all, what are guys going to think of you.  They probably won’t think of you at all because they’ll be looking at the girl in the next cubicle with the fitted red suit and black pumps on looking like she just got a promotion.  Improving your image will help to improve your chances of getting noticed by the right men.

Your Color Pallet – Okay, first, let’s choose the right colors.  Wear colors that accentuate your skin tone.  There is a whole methodology to wearing the right colors based on whether your skin tone is considered to be warm or cool.  Have you ever seen celebrities who always seem to have the right colors on while strolling the red carpet?  Believe me, they have numerous image consultants and fashion designers helping them achieve a certain look.  But you don’t need to pay thousands of dollars to get a great look.  Browse your local listings to find an image consultant near you who can help you decide on the right colors that match you.  You can also check with a knowledgeable store consultant in one of your favorite clothing stores.  If you’re one of their frequent customers, they may offer their services to you for free.

Your Style of Fashion – Think about your favorite celebrities past and present.  What is it about their style that you love?  Maybe you like the seductive style of Marilyn Monroe in her infamous white dress.  Maybe you are an Audrey Hepburn fan with her style of classic elegance.  Or maybe you like the more edgy style of the R&B singer Rhianna.  Try to pick a celebrity style you like, emulate it with your own sense of uniqueness, and apply it to your lifestyle accordingly.  This will help you to hone in on your own style and give you an idea of the clothing attire that makes you feel good about yourself.

Then take the image of the style you’re most comfortable with and blend it with the colors that look good on you.  Once you have the right colors, the right style in mind, now we can go out and seek the clothes that are right for you and eliminate others which may be better suited for other people.  You can also add cute accessories and shoes to go along with the outfit.  The reason we have to work on your image first is so that not only you are comfortable, but you make others feel comfortable around you, inviting them in to speak to you including the men in which you may want to attract.  By the way, you can mix and match styles depending on how you feel as long as you have a sense of your own style in mind.

Your Style of Hair – This is where you can really get creative because no two people will have the exact same hair type.  Some of us have curlier hair or straighter hair depending on our genetics.  I believe this is where you can fully express yourself and let your potential suitor see the real you.  Do you like to wear big hair like those big, beautiful Afros that women wore in the 60s or are you more of a flower child who enjoys wearing her hair long and straight with a part in the middle of her hair.  Whatever your style, make sure that it complements your facial type and brings out your best features.

And let’s face it ladies, men love hair!  I won’t lie to you.  You need to know the truth.  They find hair to be sexy.  Yes, they do prefer women with long hair BUT if a woman has a shorter style hair-do and takes care of it, they’ll love that too.  Many of them just like to see a woman take care of herself and that includes her hair.  If she loves it and wears it with confidence, they will be a fan too.

So there it is, the first part in my series of getting you noticed by men now!  We have five weeks until the big day and I want you to be ready.  I want you to be the Cinderella of the night.  But we’ll have to work quickly to get you that date.  We’ll be partners for the next few weeks.

Stay tuned for Part II of the series…

Good Luck!

For more helpful dating tips, please check out my website at www.liveloveaspire.blogspot.com or you may inquire about my dating/relationship coaching and astrological counseling/spiritual intuitive services at www.liveloveaspire.com.

Coming Soon!  My New Book – Live Love Aspire

Uh Oh...The Goddess Of Love (Venus) Is Now Retrograde!

Love Life Got You Down?...Blame it on Venus!

In Classical Astrology, Venus is known as the goddess of love.  In Western Astrology, we know her as the planet that rules the areas of love, beauty, sexuality, fertility, and prosperity.  When she is retrograde or going backwards in motion in the sky, well, so are our love lives!  I knew something was wrong when I started hearing sad love songs on my favorite radio stations and then when I started hearing my girlfriends complain about how hard it is to find love these days.  As a dating coach, I’m used to hearing those complaints but I noticed an upswing right before the holidays.  Now it’s certainly not unusual to hear more complaints among singles around this time of the year particularly when you don’t have anyone special with whom to share the holidays but I was hearing complaints from married and coupled up women as well. 

Now even though I also work as a professional astrologer, I’ll admit I don’t check the location of the planets and stars in the sky everyday but I just so happened to pull out an ephemeris (chart that reveals the location of the planets in the sky) for one of my private consultations.  And lo and behold, there is Venus sitting in the chart quietly retracing her steps backwards to ponder over her past and present relationships.  She knows that she must re-evaluate her past and present loves in order for her to move forward in her life.  Maybe there was a past love with whom she didn’t find closure or maybe she is pondering a past issue with her current love in which the matter has not been resolved.  Either way, the Universe is telling her it’s time.

So that’s what a Venus retrograde does for us in our lives.  She makes us go back in time to find closure to our past.  We begin asking ourselves whether an old love has the potential to be renewed in our lives.  These are times when an old love will suddenly contact you out of the blue just to say hello.  Or you begin reminiscing on what could have been had things not gone sour with an ex-boyfriend.  What if I were the one to contact him or her at this time?  Could we recapture what we had in our past?  Venus really makes us take a hard look at ourselves in the mirror and do some soul searching through our past relationships. 

We’re also looking at our present day relationships resolving past issues that may have been pushed aside.  We begin to think about where we are in our current relationships and is this the place we desire to be in this present time.  Is this person helping me to grow or are they holding me back?  Are my goals for the relationship the same as my partner’s goals?  Venus helps us to stay still long enough to resolve those issues and either take the relationship forward or move on.

And of course for my singles looking to mingle, I hate to break this to you but this may not be your lucky month for love.  Sorry!  Since our love planet is retrograde, you may have to make your love life less of a priority this month.  It’s not that you won’t meet people, it’s just that the person you meet may not be exactly what you want or the relationship may not turn out the way you expected.  Still, I know how hard this is particularly if your New Year’s resolution is to meet someone so I’m really torn on this one.  But the good news is that our planet of love goes direct on Feb 1^st so mark that on your calendars which is right before Valentine’s Day!  See our goddess of love isn’t going to let us down!  She’s coming back right on schedule!  She just wants us to set aside some time to examine our relationships and to ensure ourselves we’re going in the right direction for what’s to come in our future. 

Good Luck!

For more helpful dating tips, please check out my website at www.liveloveaspire.blogspot.com or you may inquire about my dating/relationship coaching and astrological counseling/spiritual intuitive services at www.liveloveaspire.com.

Couples That Pray Together Stay Together!

Prayer and Faith….The Glue That Bonds!

The other day I was speaking with a friend about the Christmas season and how I was looking forward to family festivities but dreading going Christmas shopping since my family has everything they need and desire.  Unbeknownst to me, my friend was a Muslim in which his religion does not celebrate Christmas or the birth of Jesus Christ.  I asked him if he had ever slipped in a present or two to celebrate the day with his friends, even though he did not celebrate Christmas.  He just took pity on me being naïve about his religion and gently moved the conversation to topics in which we would both be familiar.

Now even though we ended that conversation, it left me wondering about the importance of religion in relationships.  Sure, we’ve all heard about couples who come from different religious backgrounds and made it work.  But at what cost?  Did they have to settle their values and beliefs?  How did the family respond?  Does a piece of them wish they would have found love with someone of a similar religion?  Listen, we’re all grown adults here and can make our own decisions but there’s something about a person’s religious upbringing that is hard to change.

When I think about my family and the marriages in my family that have been together for years and years, they generally have a similar religious background.  I come from an African American family and being raised in an older African American household, you were strongly encouraged to be in church.  Well, we didn’t exactly have that choice, we had to go!  But this brings me back to my point, most of the happily married couples in our community were there too.  Every Sunday morning, you would see them loading up their kids into the van all headed in one direction-church.

Okay, so now I know what you’re thinking.  What does prayer, faith and religion have to do with staying together as a couple?  I pondered this for awhile sitting with my friend of a different religion.  From my own personal experiences and those of my clients, religion and/or spirituality are deeply held beliefs that people operate with to guide themselves in their daily lives.  Your beliefs are a part of who you are or your identity and they have to be in agreement with those that are compatible to you in a successful long term relationship.  So for example, if you’re a devout Christian who reads the Bible regularly, you may be mortified if you dated an Atheist who thinks the Bible is just another book on the shelf.  Similarly, if you’re a serious vegetarian, you probably won’t want to date someone who works in a meat slaughterhouse.

As a dating coach who has also matched singles to other singles, I can tell you that religion and spirituality are the first things I ask when deciding upon whether two people would be a good match.  Even if a couple is open to dating outside of their religion, I would still try to find them other singles closer to their religious backgrounds.  For long term compatibility, this is essential.

No matter what religion you practice, I believe having a similar structured prayer and religious life is key to having a successful relationship.  I’ve listed a few reasons below of how important they are in a relationship. 

1.       Prayer Strengthens The Relationship – Through prayer and faith, I believe you can conquer and overcome mountains.  Couples that can pray together are more likely to be able to tackle any challenges that may come along which reduces the chances of them breaking up.  There’s really nothing like a couple that can stand firm on their faith.  They have something to look forward to in their lives together.  They generate hope.  Even in the midst of the storm, the couples that pray together, stay together.

2.       Strong Network and Community of Friends – Even the Pope has his own community of people that guide him to his greatness.  The church is there to help guide you and support you as a couple.  As a young couple, you need older couples to show you the path to success.  Older couples may need reassurance to continue to build on their success.  It’s a tough world out there but when you have a community of supportive people cheering you on, it becomes a whole lot easier.

3.       Communication Becomes Easier – Couples that share similar religious backgrounds tend to have similar principles they can stand on making their communication less challenging.  It’s not to say they don’t have arguments as I’m sure they do but they know the end goal for their relationship and will always go back to those core values and beliefs which brought them together in the first place.

4.       Hold Each Other Accountable – When you have a spiritual/religious partnership, you hold the other person accountable for their actions.  You have shared core beliefs and models for success as a source of measurement.  When one partner does something to undermine the relationship and that are against those values, the other partner challenges them on it and encourages them to do better.  You’re always held accountable for your actions helping you to grow into a better person which helps to strengthen the relationship.

5.       Family Stability – There is a sense of stability with the couples that pray and worship together in church.  It gives the children a healthy view of a family structure and gives the couple the time to grow.  With the constant change in pace of today’s lifestyles, this is the one place they can come to in order to lay their burdens down and pray for whatever it is on their heart.

 
Well, hopefully I’ve convinced you of the importance of religion and spirituality in a successful relationship.  Your principles and beliefs are what mold you and make you who you are as a person.  Prayer and Faith is the glue that bonds it all together.  My church elders used to say that it takes a village to raise a child.  I think the modern version should be that it takes a village to raise a family.  With all of the temptation in the world, it’s easy to see why so many couples are coming to church as their first line of defense.  If you are going through issues with your spouse or just need a little more hope, maybe it’s time to give prayer a try.  After all, the couple that prays together stays together.

Good Luck!

Dating An Illusion

Are You Deluding Yourself In Your Relationship?

We see what we want to see in relationships.  When we truly love someone, we want to see only the good in that person despite any flaws or less than ideal features of the person.  But if we’re not careful, we can overlook the deeper issues with the person or the relationship and later on regret it.   I coach mainly women and very often I hear of women dating men with commitment issues or who simply don’t share the same goals they have for the relationship.  These women appear to convince themselves that if they become the woman he wants, serve his every need, or stay with him long enough, then he’ll change.  In most of the cases I’ve seen, this really doesn’t seem to be the case.  As time goes on, he seems to drift farther away, perhaps even have several love affairs during their relationship, and by the time she realizes it, years have passed without her having anything to show for it.

I’ve been reminded of this theme watching the new reality TV show series, “Preachers of LA” on the Oxygen network, which showcases the everyday challenges and struggles that preachers go through when leading hundreds and thousands of parishioners in a church organization.  The show has garnered both positive and negative reviews.  But there were a few episodes in particular which caught my attention.  In episodes 2 and 3, we meet the girlfriend of Bishop Noel Jones, who he has been happily “friending” for16 years.  When she asked him about the nature of their relationship, he explained they’re just friends and went on to happily engage her in a game of chess.  Ofcourse, her “made for TV” smile went on to fade as she continued to play “his” game continuing on in the delusion of their relationship. 

To make matters worse, she co-owns a restaurant with him.  He provided her with an investment so she could fulfill her dreams.  You may think asking a friend to help you fund your dreams is a good idea.  But this is different.  Going into business with someone in which you have an emotional investment and no guarantees is never a good thing.  I see this many times with both men and women.  For example, a woman may have a fear of losing her man or the relationship, so she will find a way to hang on to the relationship by either having his baby to bring him closer to her or going into a venture with him so he can’t get away that easily.  This generally doesn’t turn out so well but she deludes herself into believing that as long as I can have a piece of him, there will always be a chance for us to be together.

Now, in this scenario, I don’t blame the bishop for keeping her close to him.  She is a very pretty woman who probably has turned away many men in her life based on her beauty.  So why wouldn’t he take advantage of that?   We can certainly argue that a preacher, who is held to a higher standard, should not be taking advantage of any woman, but he is still a human being.  If you allow people to take advantage of you, they’ll do it every time.  And in this case, as my grandmother would say, why buy the cow if you can have the milk for free?  If he can have a beautiful woman on his arms and still be able to have a bachelor’s lifestyle, why wouldn’t he do it? 

If you are in this type of scenario, I want to help you to see the truth.  I have created a list of questions below.  But this will only work if you can be honest with yourself.  Otherwise, you will continue to live and date an illusion.

Am I Dating An Illusion?

1.       What Are Your Expectations For This Relationship?  Are Your Expectations Being Met?  This is a chance for you to get clear about what it is that you want out of the relationship.  If you’re looking for love and marriage, but your partner can only give you a friendship or worse, be a “sex buddy”, then your expectations are clearly not being met.  It’s better for you to recognize the truth of the situation and then decide if it’s the right one for you.

2.       What Is Your Motivating Factor For Being In This Relationship?  Think about what keeps you in the relationship.  Is it the fear of being lonely, lack of financial resources or fear that you won’t be able to find anyone else?   Once you become clear on what your motivating factors are for staying in the relationship, then you’ll start to understand the reasons that are keeping you there and make better decisions for yourself accordingly.

3.       How Do Other People Perceive This Situation?  Your family and friends will always be the first to see things that you aren’t willing to see in a relationship.  What happens is that we become so blinded by love, that we can’t see anything else.  Your family and friends become your first line of defense helping you to see the light.  If your family and friends perceive the situation differently than you do, then it’s worth the time and effort to figure out why this is the case.

4.       What Are You Willing To Do If Your Expectations Are Not Met In The Relationship?  Decide what your plan of action will be if the relationship does not meet your expectations.  Will you stay in the relationship or will you leave?  Will you confront your partner about the issues or be complacent with the “status quo”.  I would argue that nothing really stays the same.  We’re either growing in a relationship or simply drifting away.  The cost of not taking action is that you’ll end up wasting years with someone who may not be a good fit for you.  If you make the hard decisions now, it will save you time and energy that you could spend on the right partner. 

Sometimes the realities of dating can be so harsh that we would rather accept an illusion than to see the truth for what it is in a relationship.  We do this by deluding ourselves into thinking that a partner or relationship is right for us despite all the signs and red flags pointing against it.  Our illusions keep us safe and in a sense comfortable against the realities of life.   As long as we can create the ideal fantasy of a relationship in our head, we can feel at peace.  Unfortunately, this will only work for so long.

If you do sense that you are in a dead-end relationship in which you’ve created an illusion about the person you are dating, then take special notice of the list of questions I’ve posed to  determine the right path for you.  It takes time to break out of an unhealthy cycle or confront the person you love but it is necessary for both of you to either resolve the issues or move on in life.  Either way, I hope I’ve given you enough information to make the best decision.

Good Luck!

For more helpful dating tips, please check out my website at www.liveloveaspire.blogspot.com or you may inquire about my date coaching and astrological counseling services at www.liveloveaspire.com.

The Survivor’s Guide To Dating in DC

Top 10 Tips To Surviving Dating In The Nation’s Capital

Washington, DC is home to many Americans who come to live the American dream.  You have your politicians, lobbyists, post-graduates, college/frat groups, work transplants, immigrants, and the locals who were born and raised there.  The sights and sounds of DC will leave you breathless including the world famous monuments, museums, theatre attractions and parks and recreation.  When you visit DC, you gain a sense of pride and humility for the greatness of our nation. 

But if you’re single, don’t sell your house and move there just yet!  Dating in DC can be a whole other scenario.  Although DC is one of the greatest wonders of the world, it’s also well known for its challenging dating scene.  I’ve had the great luck of having to maneuver in DC as a post-graduate of Howard University.  While in school, I never had a problem getting a date.  I didn’t even realize there was a dating scene!  I dated, went to school, studied and hung out with my friends on occasion to celebrate the end of the term or semester - typical life of a young student in DC.

It wasn’t until I went to graduate school there that I realized dating in DC was no joke!  As a newly minted MBA, I was ready to tackle the world.  There was one problem, though.  I still wanted to complete my dream of having a happy family.  I had completed my education as my parents asked me to do and now I wanted to raise a family of my own.  I found it to be quite challenging despite the statistics of the increasing amount of singles that relocate there every year.  It was great to have so many singles but not so great when you only want to settle down with one of them.

So why is the dating scene so difficult?  Well, when most people think of DC, they think of the President of the United States, Congressional officials, and the lobbyists.  Nowhere else in this country do you have so much power centrally located and accessible by the “metro line” – a term used by the natives to denote the subway system.  Power is embedded within the culture from the politicians to the college graduates to the average government workers.  Even the most humble among us move there and suddenly become enmeshed within the culture and become power hungry.  I had a girlfriend once say to me, “people move here from the farm or out of the ghetto and then not recognize where they came from”.

Well, I don’t believe dating in DC has to be all bad but it certainly does require serious adjustments if you live there or plan to live there sometime in the future.  I’ve listed a few tips below to help you enjoy your stay.

1.      Be Open And Friendly – When I first moved to DC, I noticed a bit of reserve in the people immediately.  Having travelled all over the world, I found it quite startling how reserved people were in the nation’s capital.  And it wasn’t just me, many of my friends had encountered it as well.  The one way to stand out there is to be fairly open and friendly to people.  Say hello to people as you go to work or school in the mornings.  You will stand out more because most people there are so busy in the “hustle and bustle” of life that they don’t have the time nor feel they have to speak to you.  But when you’re single, you have an extra motivation to get to know people because the next person you speak to may be your wife or husband.

2.      When Meeting People, Avoid Starting The Conversation With “So What Do You Do For A Living? – Every region has its own dialect and this one rings true for DC.  If I had a dollar for every time I hear this question, I would be filthy rich!  This is not a bad question but it can be a turnoff when you don’t even know the person’s name!  When meeting someone, ask questions outside of their career or money status.  It just lets the person know that you are not superficial and that you have genuinely taken an interest in them.

3.      Expand Your Dating Pool Outside Of Your Zip Code – Interestingly enough, there are 2 major surrounding metropolitan areas outside of DC – Northern Virginia and Baltimore.  Most people who live there have a certain ideal commuting area in which they choose to date – usually not more than 30 minutes away or towards the opposite end of the traffic.  I don’t really blame them for their preferences but expanding your dating pool may help you to reach a wider audience of potential mates.  

4.      Don’t Be A Groupie – Even as a young student attending school in DC, I would see the amount of people who come to DC thinking they will meet some wealthy politician or other high profile person who would sweep them off their feet and whisk them off into the life they had always dreamed.  Such wishful thinking will get you into some deep trouble in DC.  Just as you come to DC with “fly by night” dreams so do the “opportunists”.  As a matter of fact, there are probably more of them in DC creeping in the night waiting for some young naïve woman (or man) new to DC to take full advantage of them and leave them with a bad taste in their mouth from living there.

5.      Be Selective (Not Picky!) When It Comes To Dating – This doesn’t just relate to DC but people in all major cities like DC, LA, and New York.  When you’re in a place where there are lots of beautiful singles, you tend to get pickier about your perceived choices.  But just as you think you can do much better than dating the average looking person, so does the other person who probably thinks you’re not so great either.  It’s one of the primary reasons I think people that live in these areas stay single for a very long time.  They’re always looking for the next best thing.  But don’t get me wrong, I believe you should show that you do have some selection criteria to eliminate the people who are just not a good fit for you.

6.      Avoid Becoming A Workaholic – People in DC work a lot.  Even during the government shutdown where it was illegal to work, I overheard someone say they still had to work!  I believe this is the other part of the reason there are so many singles in the area is because they can’t balance their home life with their professional lives.  It is a serious issue, even though it is dismissed by many in the professional help communities (probably because they’re workaholics too!).  If you do live in the area or plan to move here, try to balance your career and personal life.  Take vacations as scheduled.  You’ll notice your colleagues and peers’ working well beyond what is required of them trying to make it up the corporate and government ladder and perhaps even notice how their home lives have suffered because of it.

7.      Be Cautious As To Whom You Call A Friend – If there was one piece of advice I could give to you in moving there,  it would be to be careful who you consider to be a friend.  DC is a big “melting pot” of cultures and ethnicities with people from all over the world.  Because of this, people have come with their own agendas.  In other words, not everyone may have your best interests at heart.  One tip I recommend is to be sure that the people you call as friends have earned the right to have that title.

8.      Avoid Political Conversations, If Possible – I generally discourage talking about politics on the first few dates because in this town people get emotional over their political affiliations.  But you may be surprised at how much you have in common with people outside of your political party.  For that reason, I encourage people to stick to light hearted conversations in the beginning of the dating process.  You don’t want to have to break up with a perfectly good guy or girl over whether we should continue to fund Medicare or not!

9.      Become Online Dating Saavy – Online dating can be a really useful tool in big cities where you can feel like a little fish in a big pond.  Using online dating to find the right mate may save you tons of time that may otherwise be wasted on people who are not the right fit for you.  If you can learn to master online dating, you will be off in no time enjoying the sights and sounds of DC with your new beau!

10.  Know When To Relocate, If Necessary! – If you’ve lived here a long time and still have not found anyone compatible, than it may be time to decide whether you should relocate to another area.  Please do consider whether you have exhausted all options to finding someone because relocation can be a big step.  If you’re not prepared money wise or don’t have a job lined up in another area, then finding a mate will become the least of your worries.  Still, I believe you’re personal/family life is just as important as you’re professional life.  When you are lacking in that area, I don’t believe you can have a happy and fulfilled life.

In short, Dating in DC is certainly not for the faint-hearted.  It takes a lot of tenacity, perseverance and patience to find someone special in the area.  “This certainly isn’t Kansas, Dorothy.”  Of course, there are those few lucky people who meet in college, get married and settle down almost with ease.  Unfortunately, everyone can’t be that lucky.  That’s why I’ve listed my tips to help you get through the maze.  If you stay true to who you are as a person, follow my tips, I’m sure you’ll be fine.  And if you find that DC is not for you but you’ve enjoyed your stay, than hopefully you will have created the best memories of your life.

Good Luck!

For more helpful dating tips, please check out my website at www.liveloveaspire.blogspot.com or you may inquire about my date coaching and astrological counseling services at www.liveloveaspire.com.